Answers to Your Questions About Money Disorders and Financial Anxieties
Experts answers your questions about compulsive spending and more.
Aug. 5, 2009— -- Rick Kahler is a fee-only financial planner and industry leader in integrating financial planning and psychology.
Brad and Ted Klontz are the leading pioneers in the emerging field of financial psychology and co-founders of Your Mental Wealth.
They lead the nation's only residential money rehab program, "Healing Money Issues," at Onsite Workshops in Cumberland Furnace, Tenn.
Click here to visit the website for Klontz Consulting or for the Kahler Financial Group.
Here they answer viewer questions about a variety of money disorders.
Diane, Fla.: I have been overspending for years and just want to be "normal" when it comes to shopping. I wake up every morning and think about what do I need today. I have tried to change my spending, but always seem to revert back to my old habits of buying, feeling great then guilt ridden. How can I get help in my area or are their tools you can offer me to help myself?
Ted Klontz: Diane, A really good, cheap (free), effective source of help is a self-help group called Debtors Anonymous. You can go on-line and find a group and/or meeting in your area. You will find people to help you be -- and stay -- accountable. A second level of help would be to engage a therapist who is familiar and comfortable dealing with clients who have money issues. Go to the Conscious Finance Web site to find therapists who have received training in our model and learn more about our model at www.yourmentalwealth.com.
Denise,Tenn.: My problem is not that I spend money frivolously, but I handle our family finances and when there's not enough money to pay the bills, buy needed things for the family, etc., I have gotten us into serious credit card debt and even made withdrawals from a home equity loan account, all without my husband's knowledge. All I would have had to do is to go to my husband each of those times, but I chose to handle it this way instead. For whatever reason, for which I don't have an explanation, I didn't want to bother him or otherwise disappoint him. Furthermore, I got us into almost this exact same situation about 5 yrs. ago, and we worked it out. However, after being given the trust to handle things again by my husband, I have now gotten us back into the same situation again, even worse this time! My husband is very hard-working, but is indeed on the "tight" side with money. I guess I just need to know why I have a problem going to my husband for the money, rather than trying to handle it myself, and continually getting us into debt. Any suggestions? Thanks.
Brad Klontz: Denise, your habit of staying silent with your husband speaks loudly. Not telling him the details of your financial situation may at first seem crazy or mysterious, but with some self-examination, your tendency towards financial infidelity in times of stress will make perfect sense. You already identified one reason you do this- to avoid experiencing his disappointment. Research shows that avoiding disapproval around money is a primary reason couples keep secrets. While not knowing the details of your situation, I can tell you this: money problems in relationships are never just one-sided. Couples co-create many of the conditions that foster or support financial problems or difficulties in communicating around money. Sometimes a partner has an extreme under spending habit due to a deep-seated fear of being poor. In this case, even responsible and modest spending by the other can cause conflict, setting the stage for financial infidelity. Sometimes due to difficult experiences in our past, we may overestimate the degree to which our struggles or failures may disappoint our partner, or the extent to which our partner's disappointment will hurt us. The fact that you were able to work out a similar situation in the past is a good sign. As you take steps to address this now, it can be of great benefit for you to do so with the help of a couple's therapist. A third party can help you navigate tough conversations, explore the relationship and personal dynamics that create or support keeping money secrets, and help you put a system in place so that this cycle does not repeat itself. One thing to consider exploring in counseling is identifying the types of financial decisions you agree to make together. An all-or-nothing approach to family financial responsibility can be a breeding ground for ongoing difficulties.
