Do 'Helicopter Moms' Do More Harm Than Good?

At the University of Vermont, parents attend seminars aimed at limiting their involvement in their children's lives. They're sent home with refrigerator magnets, with instructions that reinforce the university's hands-off philosophy.

"One of things we want to teach the students and to have students learn is to try and help solve issues and problem on their own," said a resident adviser at the school.

Like Ethan and Brendan Lewis, Heather Fagan, a student at Texas Christian University in Fort Worth, enjoys the benefits of "helicopter parenting." Every morning, she gets a wake-up call -- or two or three -- to help her get out of bed.

"They wake me up every morning, they're my alarm clock," she said.

Learning to Let Go

Johnson says this is worrying trend. "It's horrifying to me to hear the story that a parent is calling a child three or four times in the morning to wake them up in college. ... Are they planning to do that for the rest of her life?"

But Gail Fagan, Heather's mom, said she'll do it as long as she's needed. And that's a sentiment Lewis would agree with. She'll do as much as she can for as long as she can. She currently drives two hours to Ethan's dorm to clean it up, do his dishes and pick up his laundry twice a month.

Eric Chester, president of the training and consulting company Generation Why Inc., sees this high level of parental involvement as a high-level problem for employers, who face a new generation of workers.

"If you've always micromanaged their life, then that kid is going to be dysfunctional in the workplace, regardless of what their skill set is," he said.

It is a reality that Lewis knows she needs to face. She is proud of the artistic and intelligent children she's raised, but know there'll come at time when she'll have to let go.

"She's like the most selfless person on the face of the planet. I mean, she will give and give and give and give and give, and when she's got nothing left to give she'll keep giving. She has succeeded in every aspect of giving my brother and I everything a kid can ask for," Ethan said.

But for Lewis, letting go can be the hardest thing of all. The lists and the calls don't just help her sons, they help her stay close to them. "These habits are very hard to break and I'm still doing them. I'm trying to wean them off more and more so that they can become more self-reliant," she said.

But as much as she wants the boys to be self-reliant, she wants to keep making the to-do lists, calling them three times a day, and reading their school papers.

"I want them to be able to become their own person, as long as we stay close and I don't want to feel that all of this micro-managing mothering has crippled them in any way to not be able to relate to other people," she said.

That was last year. This semester, Brendan has continued at Arizona State, but Ethan is transferring to the University of Hawaii.

And Lewis knows an even greater separation is yet to come when the boys settle down and start families of their own.

"When they get married, I'm not going to be the most important person there, and I know that," she said. "You go through a period of withdrawal, and then hopefully, you get to be best friends with their wife. And you have a good relationship, and then she'll call you and tell you what he's doing."

-- This embed didnt make it to copy for story id = 1237868.
  • 1
  • |
  • 2
Join the Discussion
blog comments powered by Disqus
You Might Also Like...