EXCERPT: 'My Footprint,' by Jeff Garlin

This might be my only book, ever. I wish someone were writing it for me. Actually, I wish someone were losing the weight for me, too. There are times when I'm happy to sell out. Just not when I'm the writer. If I'm truly responsible for something -- and you have to be responsible for your own book, your name's on the cover -- I have to make it the best I can. I really hope this book is great. If I do something that's good, I look at it as a failure. Maybe that's harsh, but life ... xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

When you see a bunch of x's in a row something happened. Something bad. Bad and self-inflicted. So here's what happened.

I got distracted. I get distracted a lot. I have attention deficit disorder (ADD). That's not such a huge deal -- in fact, I think almost every comedian I know has ADD. It's what happens when I get distracted that's the problem. I just went down to the kitchen and ate a huge bowl of Life cereal.

I just had a big bowl of life. Literally. And therein lies the problem.

Let me explain my eating disorder to give you an idea what I'm up against. You can put me in a room. And in that room you have the best pot in the world, the best coke in the world, the greatest glass of wine of all time, and a two-day- old grocery-store sheet cake. Guess where I'm going? Half of it could be covered in ants. I swear to God. And I'd eat the other half. I am an addict. And let me tell you, of all the addictions that are most unattractive, being a compulsive overeater is number one.

Look, if you do drugs, you're going to get laid. Smoke pot? Do blow? Drink? You're having sex. You never hear a woman at a party say, "You see that guy shoving burgers in his mouth? I'm going to f*#*" the sh** out of him. Oh, he is hot. Are those White Castle Slyders he's eating?"

Also, I have a lot going on right now. I'm supposed to hand in a script for a film that I am slated to direct, and I am nowhere near finished. It's no wonder I'm fat. I think I can write a book and a script while I'm in production on Curb Your Enthusiasm. By the way, I'm an executive producer and a co-star of that fine production. I figure I should mention that; I never assume that anyone knows who I am. Then again, I guess if you bought this book you probably know who I am and I suppose you like me. If you bought this book and you don't know who I am, then good for you for taking a chance. If you bought this book and you don't like me, then hats off to you. You're the bigger person. Trust me, if I didn't like you, I would never buy your book. To stay focused, I've decided to keep a diary of my accomplishments, so to speak. So here goes.

Jeff Garlin: 'My Footprint'


I'm standing in the kitchen staring at a box of Lucky Charms. The magical deliciousness overtakes me. I'll start tomorrow. Although, after I'm done, I'll recycle the box.


Where did the fresh bagels come from? I'll start on Monday. Labor Day. It's better to start on a date I can remember. Who remembers August 29? I'm sorry if that's your birthday. I didn't mean to insult you.


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