Coping With a Husband's Low Sex Drive

Sept. 26 -- On your wedding day you assume you'll have a long future together filled with love, intimacy, maybe kids, and of course, sex. Cheryl Wolfe assumed sex would be part of her marriage.

She was mistaken. "Marriage was never consummated … The day we got married there was no sexual relationship at all, no honeymoon night and from that point forward — nothing," Wolfe said.

She isn't alone. Marriage therapists estimate as many as 20 percent of couples are mired in low-sex or no-sex marriages, and surprisingly often it's the men, heterosexual men, who don't want sex. Wolfe ultimately left her husband because he lost sexual interest in her.

Men's Low Sex Drive Rarely Discussed

Lori and Jim Barrett and Suzan and Chris Cummings — two couples who say their marriages are in trouble because they rarely have sex — bravely agreed to talk with 20/20 about it, and then to work with marriage therapist Michele Weiner-Davis to see if they could make things better.

In both cases it's the women who are frustrated that their sexual needs aren't being met by their husbands.

Barrett said, "I feel like we're living like brother and sister, because we don't have sex. I'm like what kind of relationship is this? This is awful."

Jim Barrett's someone people might call a manly guy. He's a motorcycle enthusiast, and a volunteer firefighter. He says sex has simply never been a high priority for him. He and Lori have two children, and they do have sex maybe 10 times a year, which is too seldom for Lori, but plenty for Jim. He says sex has just never been that important to him.

But it is important to Lori and to Suzan Cummings.

Susan says sex is the "foundation" of a marriage. "It's not sharing the bank account, and the car, and the toilet," she said.

Suzan and Chris Cummings have been married for six years. She has a daughter by a previous marriage and together, she and Chris have a son, Connor. Susan says sex was infrequent before Connor was born and afterward, Chris seemed less and less interested. Now it's been 15 months since they've had sex.

Chris says he doesn't see why sex has to be such a big deal. In fact, he's happy in their marriage without the sex."From my perspective it's wonderful. I would say that if sex wasn't important for Susan, if she never wanted to have sex again, I think, I would probably be very happy," he said.

The Barretts' and Cummings' problems aren't surprising to Davis, who's been counseling couples for two decades and is author of Sex-Starved Marriage.