Advice on the Sexless Marriage

QUESTIONS: My husband doesn't have the sexual drive I have. I have tried talking to him about it and all he says is marriage shouldn't be based on sex. That we should be able to have a relationship based on companionship. I feel that if you love someone then the sex will come natural. So we do fight a lot about our relationship, to the point that I have thought of leaving him. Is this a common problem with men?

My question is when a woman gains weight (I have due to 4 failed spinal operations and I've always lost weight after I gained it after each operation in the past, but the last time, I gained over 100 pounds and have taken off 35 pounds so far but still have 100 pounds to go and so I don't blame my husband (common law, just got engaged though) for not being attracted to me (even though he has a small pot himself, I'm still attracted to him) but otherwise his body is in great shape for a 53-year-old.

ANSWER: Many men have told me that their lack of interest in sex has to do with their lack of attraction to their wives due to weight gain or apathy about staying fit and healthy. Sexual attraction is a very important part of a vibrant sex life. It's great that you are so honest about looking at yourself addressing this situation openly. Make sure your husband knows about the efforts you're making to get back into shape. This should help him feel better about you and your marriage. It will also help you to feel sexier and more sensual and that will go a long way to boosting his desire.

QUESTION: I'm 43 and due to the medications I'm on and the fact that I cannot exercise (and I'm considered disabled) I still do the grocery shopping and laundry, so I still can function to a limit, but the weight can't come off fast enough this time and we used to have sex every day, but I'm at my sexual peak now and I know that if I was still smaller (like I was when I met him 5 years ago,) we'd still be sexually active, so I'm not sure how I can possibly change how he feels about making love to a big fat woman, yet I also have needs, even though I don't like my body either. ANY ADVICE would be so helpful as I would love to have gastric bypass but he always says "NO' to that, yet our sex life sucks!! Can you give me any suggestions?

I hope to hear from you as suffering from chronic pain for the last 17 years is bad enough so I need help to get our sex life back on track!

Thanks for listening and hopefully I'll get an answer.

ANSWER: It seems to me that you need to talk with your doctor about what you can do to boost your physical activity level. Perhaps you can do more than you think you can! Your doctor will be able to advise you. Exercise can stimulate your metabolism and boost your morale as well. Additionally, you should consider eating healthfully if you aren't already. You might also ask your doctor whether the medications you're taking are making it difficult for you to lose weight and if so, whether they're any substitutes without that side effect.

You say you were more sexually active five years ago. Besides being smaller, I couldn't help but wonder what else was different five years ago. Ask yourself, "How was my life different five years ago,?" "What was I doing that I've stopped doing now?" And once you've gotten your answer, begin to do what once worked. Go back to your past solution.

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