Transcript: 20/20 Interview With Anastacia

— -- The following is an unedited transcript of 20/20's interview with pop star Anastacia, broadcast May 2, 2003.

INTERVIEW WITH ANASTASIA

INTERVIEWER:

What were you thinking about when you were sitting at home?

ANASTACIA:

Huh. Well...you know, I mean, whoo. When I... After I had found out the news...I had to do actually work, so, I just pretty much shoved those feelings aside, I cried for about...I don't know, a good...fifteen seconds. And, my mom was there, I cried when I told my sister...maybe one or two friends, when I started just saying the word cancer I cried. And, then I stopped crying. I completely shoved it aside, I had work to do, I tried to be focused for it, I didn't wanna think about it, I just wanted to do it, um, and I was kind of in denial, at the same time, I-it was just too creepy to think that this is actually happening to me right now. And, after the video I...totally fell apart. Spiritually fell apart. And was at home, on and off crying, didn't wanna be around anybody. Um, and it was just very strange because I'd never been in that situation before, there was always something that I'd thought about to make me cry, but I was watching-a complete incident that I will never forget, I'm watching a Pizza Hut commercial, totally excited to see the rest of this show that I was watching. The commercial comes on and I start bawling.

Not because I could not go get a slice. I had no idea. I had no clue what was going on in my range of emotions that started to exist, I started feeling really, really guilty that people were worried about me and I didn't want 'em to be worried about me anymore so I felt that was even more pressure to try to get well really fast because, I don't want-you know, I have, not only from friends to family to now, all these fans that, that...that relied on me, to make their spirit stronger, I wasn't there. So what are they gonna do, and then they were all worried about me and, I just didn't know how to handle that. I-I felt extremely responsible, as an artist, that, that I had to immediately get well.

[OFF CAMERA COMMENTS]

INTERVIEWER:

When you're watching the commercial, did you think that was sort of looking at a life you felt like you had missed somehow or--

ANASTACIA:

I--

INTERVIEWER:

I mean do you have any idea what that triggered in you, that--

ANASTACIA:

It's really amazing, I tried to analyze each moment when I'd have a feeling that I couldn't really...put a finger on. And when I had an emotional moment during this, I was trying to figure it out so hard. And trying to analyze it and trying to figure it out so that I could solve it, and let it go. And, I had a conversation with, um...a friend of mine, and, um... Actually I had a conversation with Sharon Osborne. And, she just told me to walk through it. And I was like well what do you mean walk through it, I'm like what if I can't figure out what it is and she's like you're not supposed to. You're just supposed to go with it. And I was like, okay. Well, like...go with it without analyzing it, wow, okay, that's a little much. And I just allowed that to be the thing that drove me, and it drove me to be able to go with it, if I was-if I was gonna cry in the middle of a sentence that I laugh in, it was okay. And the minute that it was like okay to do that, then all of a sudden it became easier not to necessarily cry but to be stronger. And every day got a little easier and, um...I will say that I've had a tremendous amount of support from people that...that need support themselves, you know. And, and they're still willing to go and hold out a hand to someone like me. That, uh, it's just been, it's been overwhelming, all over the place.

INTERVIEWER:

ANASTACIA:, what's the-I mean, you know, it's sort of everyone's nightmare in a-what you're, what you're in right now is clearly everyone's nightmare, and it's from the first moment a doctor tells you something like this, what-what was that moment like? Can you remember that?

ANASTACIA:

Oh, God yeah. Um...I was not feeling very well right after surgery, I had a really, really bad flu that went around and, and it just really hit me hard because I think the anesthesia also just brought it to the surface stronger than anything, like overnight I got this huge flu, like, just smacked me down and...and so I was really out of it for a good twenty-four hours right after the surgery, and, the doctor called the house but I think my mother had stepped out to get some juice for me or-- And so there was a message on the machine and when I had got up, I said did the doctor call? And she said, well I mean I got outta the house, there might be a message, so I checked, and there was a message from the doctor, and, um... So I called and paged the doctor and he called right back, and, um... And when the phone rang my mom picked it up, and...it... My mom completely-everyone thought that it wasn't, you know, anything. And when I got on the phone, sorry, I'm gonna get emotional. When I got on the phone with, uh, the doctor, he said, you're gonna have a long life. And I was like, mm-hmm. But? And he said, um, but it's malignant and we found cancer. And I was like, whoa. And I just started just bawling.

And, um, and then I handed the phone to my mom, and she continued to talk to the doctor and I was just like...it just was just one of those things that you just, you can't believe. Um... And then to a place on a woman's body that is so sensitive to her femininity. You know, it's bad enough that I got a big old disease that attacks the intestines that has to do with your boo-boo, but now I got a big old disease that attacks the breasts, I mean like, you know, how much more of non-woman can I feel. Um, I just...I was just more in shock and then just kind of like every time I was telling somebody...they were in shock, because they just kept telling me, I'll be fine. When they knew I was going in for biopsy, oh, please, everyone has biopsies, it's always, you know, it's standard, routine surgery, everything's cool. But I could tell through my doctor's eyes that there was a little bit something deeper than just this being routine. And just, the best, the best and kindest nature do I have working around me as far as physicians, I'm extremely lucky that I don't have a quack. And I have an amazing, amazing doctor that makes me feel like it's okay. And that, um... and at the end of the day no matter what happens, if I do have to take off my breast, if I do have to go through chemo, if I do have to do all the things that go along with this word cancer, I'm gonna be okay. Because, I'm-I'm not gonna die. And if I do, I'll die trying. You know, that's just the way that I am.

INTERVIEWER:

How do you know you're gonna be okay?

ANASTACIA:

'Cause I don't live with fear, I don't, I don't live in a bubble...in life. 9/11 I was on a plane right after, overseas to go and work, when all of my musicians decided to cancel because of their fears. I didn't believe that I wanted to be scared of, like, the unknown. You know, I-I wanna live life, I don't wanna run from it, and, so that was my philosophy. You know, you wanna bomb us because we're American, you wanna bomb us because you have some reason to be jealous of us, well great, I'm going to give you more of a reason 'cause I'm gonna traipse my little blonde, four-eyed booty overseas, and la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la, I'm American. You know. I don't care. You know, if I'm gonna get blown out the sky, it's gonna be blown out trying. Not blown out, not living life. And I believe the same way, I've had a disease called Krohn's disease since I was thirteen, I've had that disease since I can remember, and...I-it's just part of me, and now that I have cancer, it's just another thing to put on my resume as, you know, survivor. Um...I don't know how I'm gonna survive but I'm just gonna take one moment at a time and just try to keep on going, and surviving.

INTERVIEWER:

Do you ever have the sense that you've been chosen somehow, I mean it's--

ANASTACIA:

Ah.

INTERVIEWER:

--you've gotten a lot of stuff thrown at you, I mean it's almost as if you have been selected for some purpose or some higher...purpose, do you ever have that sense?

ANASTACIA:

Yeah, I kind of-it-as-I don't wanna sound at all like, like, you know, I've been chosen. But, there's a reason why sometimes they choose certain people to be given this, this, uh...this terrible news, you know, and, and maybe the choices I am making are exactly what they want me to make, they want me to be a vessel to try to heal others and help others and show others there's another way other than staying in your house. But I did stay in my house for a while so that's okay, and you can let it be a process, just don't let it be the curse. And, um, you know, I, I wanna deliver my story, I wanna tell people what I went through because, I don't wanna be ashamed of it myself. I've gotta walk through this, and this is the only way I can walk through it, is to be honest, and to be truthful with what I'm going through and, even though some of it is not as glamorous as our business is, even though some of it is, is me shaking in a bed, um, after surgery and totally vomiting in a bucket because I'm completely nauseous from all the meds they're giving me, yo, that's part of it. You know. The word cancer doesn't come with a big frickin' beautiful sign in lights. You know, so I, I will say that, uh, you know...I just wanna be real and honest with, with, uh, this is part of me. And, and I'm an artist that's out there in the world and, you know, I don't mind speaking about it as my own therapy. You know, it heals me, to be able to speak about what I'm realizing and my revelations on who I am, so...I'm grateful that people wanna hear it. Because that means they're helping me by being a listener. And, and, that is a far better support system than I could ever ask for.

INTERVIEWER:

You said earlier that it, it-how much more non-woman can I feel. What do you mean by that?

ANASTACIA:

Um... In my business, it is the kinda business that makes you wanna be perfect. It makes you wanna fit into the mold, so that you can be part of the most-hundred most beautiful women in the magazines. Um, and part of that experience is very damaging to a woman who may not have it all together. Who may not necessarily have the look that is popular or, the look that they assume is going to sell magazines and, um... You know, when, when they go in and attack a very feminine part of a woman's physique, when this disease is attacking, what is sedentary [sic] to a man's view of femininity, it can definitely make a woman feel very sacrificed, to...you know... I-I already felt like a tough woman, now I really [LAUGHS] am like, okay, thanks, now I feel like a total dude-woman, you know. You're really not helping a girl [UNINTELLIGIBLE].

It's just, uh, I think that...that being, um... maybe being given cancer, and maybe being given breast cancer, is gonna make me not beat myself up so much. Maybe it'll make me humbled. Even though I sort of stayed humble to society you can kinda get swept up in the way that it can make you feel and the way that it can make you be. And, maybe it's...society putting brakes on my spirit that I didn't even see. Um, and that nobody saw, but maybe, it's to bring me to another level that I need to be at. Um...I've always been taught that, that inside matters the most. But I have to heal my inside before I can feel that my outside is appealing to anybody. Um...and I'm-I'm not quite there yet but I'm working on it.

INTERVIEWER:

You are really a perfectionist too I think, aren't you. Do you think that's part of this in some way--

ANASTACIA:

Oh, absolutely, I think that being a Virgo and being a perfectionist and, and trying to do everything, as a people-pleaser, um, it's really difficult to...to be sick. It's difficult to show signs of weakness, it's difficult to, to show that you're human on a level of ailment, um, because you wanna immediately be sick in one sentence and well in another, so that you can show the bounce-back, um, is, is possible. And I'm, um...I'm learning, through this process to just let it go. And, let it happen. And whether or not I can't get this video done or whether or not I can't do this or-- Even though I still do beat myself up over situations like that, I think I may slow my train down a little.

And I think I may take a breath of the flowers, while I'm in the room instead of going, you know what, I can't smell those flowers right now but they're really beautiful, I gotta go over here because I got twelve million interviews to do and I really have to conquer the world, sorry, bye. Um...I want to learn to understand how to, how to be in this business, be successful, and learn how to enjoy every moment of it, because it can go by so fast that all of a sudden the last year just went by real quick. The year before I got to absorb it a little more but last year was really an intense year for me and, and it seemed to be filled with so much intensity and so much drama and so much, uh, success, that, you tend to not be able to enjoy it. I don't think I ever really sat down and like clinked glasses with hardly anybody that, that struggled in this process of, of getting to the top. Um...and I don't wanna do that, I wanna have those moments to enjoy, enjoy the process, and that's what I'm gonna try to do this year. Is really try to balance those...things--

INTERVIEWER:

Do you find when you're walking around that you're looking-I mean I...once was given a--

ANASTACIA:

Can I have a tissue.

[OFF CAMERA COMMENTS]

INTERVIEWER:

I had once-I was given this, kind of a death sentence and I found myself walking around, you know, looking at life differently, I mean it was almost as if everything came into very sort of sharp focus, and...and mine was literally a-was different than--

ANASTACIA:

Right--

INTERVIEWER:

--what you're talking about, they-they misdiagnosed me, it was--

ANASTACIA:

Oof.

INTERVIEWER:

--but...nonetheless it was that same sort of grappling with a very...serious disease, and I, I... You know, one wonders what-as if some- it's like something changes, it's like your life changed--

ANASTACIA:

Um--

INTERVIEWER:

--in one instant when you got that call or whatever--

ANASTACIA:

I...I was angry, that I was given cancer, I was angry that they put a-like a pause button on my CD. It was not-I was going, I was motivated, I wanted to work, I enjoy it, I love it. And I was pissed. I was angry, I wasn't looking at life to live, I was living life wonderful, I was living life with respect, I was...really, really being as genuine of a person as I could in the field that I am and the pulling and the tugging. I really was, but I was a lot more angry than I was realizing that I don't live life properly or that I didn't really...en-enjoy it, I know that I haven't had time to enjoy things and I'd like to try to find that time, if it's possible.

But...I, I was pissed at the disease. And, um, and I'm still graffling [sic] with the fact that I'm angry at it but now I have to become its friend. And now I have to learn how to... embrace it and go how are we gonna work on this together. You know, because there's gonna be different faces I see of you, every part of my life, and you may come back and you may not ever come back. But the fact that you're almost never gonna come back is gonna be the fact that I'm always gonna like, look around the corner and know if you're there. There-you will always be there and I have to talk to my disease like a person because, it's not me. It's something else. And, um...and I don't blame myself for getting it and I, I don't know what it is, um... I have different philosophies about cancer, and, I don't have it in my family. Um...I didn't get it genetically or, it wasn't passed down to me, and I didn't have a lump. I just went in for a mammogram, because my doctor said, you know, it's about time, you know, you might as well just check it out.

It's, uh-you know, you'll probably have to pay for it because your insurance won't pay for it, you're too young. But go get one, and so I did. And there you go. I did not expect to-you know, I just went like to get my hair colored. Went to go get an X-ray, it was very simple, it was a simple process, I was not expecting to have a life terminal illness [LAUGHS]. You know, I-had I known that I would've waited till after the video [LAUGHS]. I would've been like, I can't deal with this right now but I'll deal with this cancer thing after the video. Um, but it just was...it was extremely unexpected, I mean everybody was, was kinda floored by, by the possibility of what this biopsy might, um, do...but more I think it...my whole association, the people that work with me, my family, my friends, they just didn't think it was gonna be cancer, why would ANASTACIA: get cancer. Why would she. You know, what is she, you know, supposed to get cancer for. You know, why would she get cancer and maybe why I got cancer, was to be the exact reason, is that it can attack anything and anyone. No matter how good or how bad.

It's-it has no, you know, it has no radar. It's just gonna go, where it needs to go, and...you as a person need to find out how you're gonna process that, are you gonna become a victim of the disease or are you gonna become a fighter. And I'm-God knows I'm not no victim. You know. I will sit there and look this disease right in the eye and look at it right-look at my tissue, be like, ooooh. You think you can get me? You know. [LAUGHS] I know, I'm kinda sick. [LAUGHTER]

INTERVIEWER:

Well, you've got a lotta humor about it, and I think that's, I mean you've gotta have that, don't you. You've gotta call on every resource you've got--

ANASTACIA:

Yeah, you really do, I've always been somebody that, that draws on my humor for everything, you know. Umm... I-I told somebody that I had the kinda cancer that was, that was the kinda... [WHISPERS] real quiet cancer, that said shhh. I'm gonna try to kill her. Just don't tell anybody. You know, like the real whisper cancer I had. In essence...you, you can't whisper around me. My spirits are too strong. They're gonna-they're gonna find you out. And, um...and I...I will say that, that, my fans have been an amazing...part of this journey. I've been getting letters and notes from people, not just fans that say, you know, I hope you get better and stuff, but actually, fans that have cancer, that were fans of mine. Like, you know, people that are giving me their story and telling me I'll be okay and telling me, you know...from this beautiful eleven-year-old girl, who is giving me exactly...her remedy of how I should go through my chemo. She said Thursdays are a better day, because by Monday you feel better. She said that, um, you know, um, it's really, it's really not that bad, but when they tell you to take the anti-nausea medicine, even though you think you don't need it, take it anyway. Like, giving me all this diagnosis in this letter, from an eleven-year-old child giving me strength. I'm overwhelmed with the ability of being able to learn from others, you know, and, um, and even others younger than myself, that are sitting there struggling with it. And it's, it's just really intense to be able to be blessed... with the angels that are guiding me through this.

INTERVIEWER:

Do you feel that, do you feel like you've got angels guiding-do you have some spiritual sense of something being with you--

ANASTACIA:

Oh, yeah, I mean, I'm-I'm not scared of death, so whenever I'm supposed to be taken, it's gonna happen. And, I'm gonna walk into that door with going, I know I lived a very pure and, and positive life, and I'm, I'm not, uh, I'm not perfect, but I did try to do the best I could with the skills that I had at the time that I had them. You know, um, you can only but do, uh, as far as, as, as your body can take you, um... So I think that when it comes to angels and it comes to destiny and karma, yeah, I do believe that I have really strong energies around me that, that guide me places that I don't even understand why I got there. You know. Make me turn down a street that I'm like, why am I here. Go into a place, why did I go in there? I guess it was to get, you know, this, and now I have it has really made life great, you know. Um...

INTERVIEWER:

Do you feel protected by those entities now, do you feel safe in this process?

ANASTACIA:

I-I don't--

INTERVIEWER:

Do you feel they're watching out for you?

ANASTACIA:

I don't feel that the angels, or the karma, or the destiny ever makes me feel safe. I determine that. I determine every emotion that flies through my body, I determine whether I'm gonna be sad for a long time and happy for a long time, and, and...all of the emotions that are going through my spirit, I'm determining all that, so, um, I can rely on letting energies enter my body, but I can reject them and I can also process them and deal with them the way that I need to deal with them. Um...I just think it's just really being in touch with your own self. You know, what is it that you like. What is it that you really wanna do. You know, is anyone really-I don't live on the surface, I live way below the surface so, I'm not, you know, a real safe person, I don't live so safe. I'll sit there and stretch my arm out real wide and maybe get burnt and go oops. [LAUGHS] You know, I-not gonna do that again. You know, but I'll do it, to just see if, you know-- But if I know that that, that hot is over there, I won't stretch my arm out. But, I do have a way of living my life very free and, and wonderful and, and...with a lot of love, that I will try to do something, um...with a good heart, and try to do something great, and sometimes it doesn't come out great. But I-I at least attempted it. And I learned something from it.

INTERVIEWER:

Do you see already an impact on younger women since people have found out about this? I mean have you seen people becoming more aware and--

ANASTACIA:

I-it's, it's been amazing the pouring of, of e-mails and, and awareness, that me getting breast cancer, at my age, has made women a little younger than me and a little older than me freak out. And immediately make that mammogram appointment, and shell out the money that it's gonna take to do that, and, and to me I go, thank God. Because you know what? I think cancer's-especially breast cancer and every kinda cancer, I think that we're gonna be 70 percent cancer-ridden as a society just because it's more environmental than we know. And...the way that cancer is and the way that our findings are with cancer, we can find it early so that, a lot of us can live the long life, my doctor started out his conversation with me on. But, um...sometimes you just don't know if you're the one to live the long life and you don't know if you're the one not to live it, but that's the whole-I don't know if I'll be alive tomorrow.

You never know when you'll be taken out, so what am I gonna live on the inevitable? No, I'm gonna live and just deal with life as it is, and...to me, if I can let women my age and a little younger be smart, to go and, and search their own destiny out, so that they can go, okay, well at least I don't have anything right now. At least I'm a clear [sic] bill of-bill of health, for now. But in three years, let me go check myself out again, 'cause this stuff creeps up on a lotta people, you don't necessarily need a tumor to have breast cancer. You know, take it from me. And that's what I wanna let women know. You know, I didn't have one lump anywhere. You know, and, it was just, it was divine right order, they, they, they stepped in and, and sussed out this situation before...I would've been seriously cancer-ridden in a year. Big-time. Through my body. Because of the kinda cancer I had. It was, you know, the kinda cancer that probably would never have made a tumor.

And there's a lot of it out there but they're able to detect it now. And the beauty of detecting it at this stage is that, yes you can, be a lot more aware that, you know, you might potentially be somebody who can, can receive this kinda cancer, so, now you're aware of it. And, um... but there's a lotta people that because, until forty it's not covered on your insurance, why go get a mammogram? Because everyone after forty gets breast cancer. No they don't. Okay? No they don't. Wake up, is what I wanna tell you.

INTERVIEWER:

You've been kind of thrust in this role, in the-I mean you have been thrust in this role, you didn't choose this. I mean it's, it's-here you are doing so incredibly well internationally and here now...I mean it seems, it's a wonderful opportunity to save a lot of lives but it's also a real paradox and it's keeping you away I think--

ANASTACIA:

Yeah, it's--

INTERVIEWER:

--from what you love--

ANASTACIA:

Yeah, it's like it's-it-it has a ying and a yang, you know, being, being in my business and having the ability to touch so many people and heal so many people through my own problems, is a grateful situation to be in 'cause I feel like I can help more people through the songs that I sing, and the songs that I write, the words that I may choose to use have pulled a lot of women out of scary relationships, and men out of scary relationships and, and people stronger within themselves are now stronger. Um, I...I believe that, um... counteracting such a great idea of, of being- having that avenue and that, that role model to be able to have, you also are in a fishbowl. And you don't have a chance to be weak. And you don't have a chance to sit there and cry and...and be overwhelmed by your moment, and...it's not okay, if you're like that. But if you're like that, they want the camera in your face. They wanna know all about it and they wanna know every little step about it, like as if they've never been through a stressful situation before.

To me, I've never claimed that I am not human, I am the most human person there is out there. I cry like the rest of 'em, I get angry, I, you know, I burn my food, you know-- [LAUGHS] I have, uh, you know...done so much that has made me quite human, um, that it's a constant reminder, that, that there's no perfection up in here. And, but I do try to be a good person. And I do try to do the right thing and I do have a perfectionist mentality so I do try to always have that outlook of let me, let me just...do the best I can. You know.

[OFF CAMERA COMMENTS]

END TP 1

INTERVIEW WITH ANASTACIA::

ANASTACIA::

02:02:41:28 I think with this journey I'm learning more of the aspects of me learning more about who I am -- through this journey -- because I haven't had to deal with that. So-- you know, I always call myself a work in progress for a reason, because everything makes you-- alter into a different place for that particular time. So-- you know, it's interesting.

02:03:06:15 I'm going to start writing the next album--and I'll keep it real. Before I got cancer, I was like-- God! - what--? What's happening in my life?

[LAUGHTER]

What's going on with-- you know - my life? It's-- everything's so great and-- life is so good and-- well-- you know this album's going to be really deep! [LAUGHS] It's going to be extremely deep. And I got a lot to say.

[LAUGHTER]

Now. That I didn't realize I had to say--02:03:33:16

02:03:35:12 So-- I'm all bated breath ready-- ready to go into that writing session and be like--brrrrp! -- and just write tons of stuff that I have no clue what it's going to be about until I get it out but-- extremely-- more willing and more creative-minded to want to go in now -- believe it or not - than oh, my God - I have cancer -- I don't want to write an album.

[LAUGHTER]

02:03:58:09 Now I go - wow! You know what? This is really intense, and there's a lot of emotions going on and there's a lot of pouring of love with the fans and there's a lot of friendships and-- wow, there's so many intense feelings that-- this - this is the best writing place for an artist anyway -- when the feelings are high -- when the feelings are strong and they're really, really so close that you can touch them. 02:04:18:09 That's the best time to write a song.

02:04:21:06 You know?

QUESTION:

02:04:22:04 It's a hell of a way to get there, isn't it!

ANASTACIA::

02:04:24:04 It really is. I personally would not have asked for the Big "C" personally [LAUGHS] - to actually get there - but - c'est la vie.

QUESTION:

02:06:29:26 Well you certainly don't seem to be sitting here feeling very sorry for yourself, ANASTACIA::.

ANASTACIA::

02:06:31:22 No, I'm, I'm, I'm definitely not one to feel sorry for myself. I think - there was a moment when I did -- there was a moment when I didn't know what to feel, and I didn't know if it was I feel sorry for myself -- I feel bad -why me? -- I didn't really say those things -but I was depressed, and there was a place and time in my home when I took my time out with myself and I turned off my phones-- and I just allowed myself to feel those feelings and exist.

02:06:58:10 And-- it passed. And it got less and less, and then I got more-- to a place that makes me feel comfortable which is just -- processing it! And dealing with it, and allowing it to be what it is.