Book Excerpt: 'Take Back Your Marriage'

ByABC News
April 25, 2002, 10:39 PM

April 26 -- Has having kids destroyed your sex life? According to William Doherty, who has practiced as a marriage and family therapist for more than two decades, 70 percent of couples become less satisfied with their marriage and their sex lives after becoming parents.

But in his new book, Take Back Your Marriage: Sticking Together in a World That Pulls Us Apart, he offers advice on how to save your marriage from your kids. Following is an excerpt.

Strategies for Not Losing Your Marriage to Your Parenting

I'd like to pull together my suggestions for the tricky task of beingterrific parents in a terrific marriage. Making your marriage a prioritydoes not mean neglecting your children. As in the rest of life, it'sa matter of balance. But for most of us, the harder side of the see-sawto put weight on is our marriage. Kids are better at advocatingfor time and attention than we are as spouses.

If you are married, remind yourself repeatedly that your marriageis the foundation of your family and the cornerstone of yourchildren's security. It is primary, not secondary, for everybody's well-being.This is not to say that children cannot prosper in a single-parentfamily (many do), but that in a married, two-parent familythe foundation is the marriage. When it goes sour, the family goessour. A lot of research on two-parent families shows that good marriageslead to good parenting and that conflicted marriages lead tobad parenting.

Remind yourself repeatedly that your children are apt to bebetter fighters for their needs nature has programmed them to begood at getting our attention than you and your mate are at fightingfor the needs of your marriage. You've got to lean toward yourmarriage in order to have balance between your marriage and yourchildren.

Limit your family's outside activities so that you have two rareelements for today's families: time to hang out as a family and timeto hang out as a couple.

Have fixed bedtimes for your children, after which you areoff duty and can be alone as a couple.