RIP Dreams: Real Talk For College Students [SATIRE]

CRY CRY CRYPlayElise Roedenbeck/Fusion
WATCH Your Dreams Are Stupid And Other Tips For College Freshmen

Fall is quickly approaching and that can only mean one thing: soup is socially acceptable again! No, wait! I mean, back to school!

Whether you are a returning student or headed to college for the first time, the current state of the global economy can make anyone uneasy. Rest assured, no matter your career trajectory, everything will be horrible.

Maybe some day we will evolve past a society modeled around economic structures and give-up our consumerist shopping sprees for a Utopian society filled with earl grey hot and test tube meat (how else do you think replicators work on the Enterprise?).

However, until then, I offer the more artistic among us some simple advice for surviving capitalism.

Elise Roedenbeck is a writer and comedian who wanted to be a marine biologist but has a terrible fear of scuba diving.