International Lefthander Day Not Right, Say Critics

Aug. 13, 2013— -- August 13 is International Left Handers Day, a 24-hour romp marked by fun, festivities, and collective prayers for pens that don't smudge while you're writing "Mrs. Keanu Reeves" in the margins on your notebook.

But not everyone is greeting this day with smiles.

As a group of Left Handers and their allies marched down Broadway on a rain-soaked Tuesday afternoon, Mr. Morris, a Brooklyn resident who declined to give his full name, rolled his eyes. "It's not that I have anything against lefties," he told us. "I don't care what hand you use to write; just don't use it in my backyard."

Manhattan resident Marta Gonzalez, who caught a glimpse of the parade during her cigarette break, echoed Mr. Morris' thoughts. "You don't see any of us having a Right Handers Day," she pointed out. "And, I'm not anti-lefthanders or anything, but I've just got to say that I'm worried about what they want next. I don't want my kid being forced to write with his left hand in school! Where will it end, you know?"

"It's not about excluding right-handed people," explained Jeffrey Robles, president of the New York-based Leftie Opportunity League (L.O.L.), "It's about celebrating a smaller group. It's also important to note that the lefterly-gifted have dealt with many disadvantages throughout history and into the present day. Lots of common, everyday products, for instance, are not designed to be used by this group. Do you know how long it's been since I've been able to enjoy a freshly-opened can of Chef Boyardee ravioli? I can't use a manual can opener. It hurts my wrist. I get cramps. It's been, what? Seven? Eight? Nine years"

Back at the parade, Brooklynite Amy Chen held out a homemade banner reading "LEFT IS RIGHT" in large, glittery letters. "Look, I'm not even left-handed," she explained. "It's just, like. Why do you care what hand someone writes with? How does it impact your life in any way? It doesn't. We're all just people." She re-adjusted her oversize novelty sunglasses, its lenses shaped to resemble two left hands. "Some of us just have an easier time using scissors than others."

Note: Yes, this is satire. Silly.