Miley Cyrus' 'Bangerz': A Track-By-Track Analysis Measured in Butt Shakes

PHOTO: Miley Cyrus Bangerz album cover

Miley, Miley, Miley. (Miley, Miley, Miley, Miley – there, is that enough for web search purposes?) The most blogged-about Cyrus spawn (sorry, also-ran Trace) is currently finishing a run of either the most obnoxious or genius (or both) marketing campaigns ever. Because while everyone was busy furiously talking about Miley, the Personal Brand, she was busy readying Miley, the Product – her new album, provocatively titled Bangerz.

With that, she’s almost daring everyone to hate on it. So just how many of these Bangerz are actually bangers? It turns out, not quite so many. But we’ve handily ranked each track on that album with how much it will want to make you do what Miley appears to love so much – shake her butt. (And that’s meant in a totally non-judgey, go-girl-enjoy-your-twenties kind of way).

Let’s strap on our safari helmets and dive into this potential jungle of hot mess….

1. “Adore You”

Sure, Miley has to at least pretend to try every once in a while to be a serious artiste. But when you title your album freaking Bangerz, you don’t start it off with a song that is the complete opposite of a banger. By about 2:17 you’ve gotten the point that this is Sad Miley, so sad she forgot to buy a good album-opening song. The bad part is that there are 2 minutes and 21 seconds still to go after you realize that.

Butt-shake rating: 0, basically comatose.

2. “We Can’t Stop”

All of the background to this song has already been discussed to death – yes, this is infamously the song Miley came up with when she told songwriters she wanted something that felt “black.” This, and many other incidents since, have shown that girlfriend needs many lessons on racial sensitivity and privilege.

The other problem, though, is this is a song about partying but it sounds like the most boring party ever. If you were dancing with the, uh, girls mentioned in the song – like Molly – do you think you would be plodding along at a lazy 80ish bpm? No, right?

You could totally sing along to this drunk, though. The melody is super catchy. But you know that because you’ve heard this a million times if you ever leave your house.

Butt-shake rating: 3, but could vary with intoxication levels.

3. “SMS (Bangerz)” feat. Britney Spears

Finally a real banger, y’all! Miley kind of rips off Ke$ha’s (ripoff) sing-rap style here but it works because of Britney, biatch. Britney has entered an amazing, Dolly Parton-like phase of her career in which she’s become a super-campy, super-exaggerated version of herself and it’s super endearing.

Britney makes this song. The best moment – by which I mean ridiculously over-the-top – is when Miley sing-songs, “You know I’m on that meeee-ow,” and Britney jumps in, all, “Quick to scratch your eyes out.” Fierce, kitties!

Butt-shake rating: 5

4. “4 x 4” feat. Nelly

No matter what we do, country-rap is a thing now and Nelly is wringing every last drop of its juice to come back. Good for him, but Miley, Florida-Georgia Line used him first, and this doesn’t really fit in with the rest of your album at all. This is a smart way to sew all radio-format seeds, though, so good work. Also, we get it, Miley isn’t scared to say “piss” over and over again. Actually, again, Nelly is the most important part of this.

Butt-shake rating: 3 or maybe 4, if you’re in boots.

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