No. 5 -- Kiddie Corral Cost: Traveling with a child? Sorry, but you'll have to pay this fee so the little ones can travel in their own separate section. Childless passengers may applaud this move -- but maybe parents will, too, since no one will be able to identify which misbehaving imp is theirs.
Drawback: Flight attendants supervising the Kiddie Corral may qualify for "hazardous duty" pay.
No. 6 -- Fat Fee: Charging passengers by the pound. Gate agents would have scales near the boarding area, and to be really fair about this, they would assess fees on everyone who weighs more than 100 pounds (we could call this fee the Super-Model-Exempt Surcharge).
Drawback: Since hardly any of the airlines serve meals or free snacks anymore, passengers may lose weight on flights; will they then be due a refund?
No. 7 -- Beverage Cart Start Charge: Ever notice that when you're dying of thirst, the beverage cart begins service 25 rows ahead of you? Be first in line, by paying the cart start charge; flight attendants begin service at your row, for a price.
Drawback: As we all know, those aisle jamming carts never begin service until you have to use the facilities, but I 'm sure the airlines could come up with a fee to address this situation as well.
No. 8 -- Board First Fare: You've already paid one fee to get that seat with the extra legroom, but if you're not among the first to board, the overhead bins will be filled so you'll end up stuffing your carry-on under the seat in front of you, and -- bye-bye legroom. Don't let this happen with the "board first" fee.
Drawback: Watch the airlines collect these fees from all the passengers; watch chaos ensue.
No. 9 -- Bag Finder Fee: Losing your luggage will be a thing of the past with this special (and hefty) fee that includes a GPS device attached to your bags. Never mind that the government and airlines can't agree on a way to put a navigational system equivalent to a cell phone on our planes -- a system that would help out with the horrendous Air Traffic Control situation -- no, they can't do that! But if putting a GPS device on bags allows them to collect another fee, you can bet they'll figure that one out.
Drawback: This doesn't mean your bag will never go "missing" -- of course it will. But at least the airline will know where it winds up, so you can go and get it.
No. 10 -- Pilot No Talk Toll: Not sure why, but every pilot seems compelled to rhapsodize about the glories of the Grand Canyon for 400 miles or so. If you're tired of the travelogue, pay this fee and never worry about missing a single line of dialogue from "Snakes on a Plane" ever again.
Drawback: You'll probably miss the pilot's announcement about the new "pay to deplane" fee.
This work is the opinion of the columnist and in no way reflects the opinion of ABC News.
Rick Seaney is one of the country's leading experts on airfare, giving interviews and analysis to news organizations, including ABC News, The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, Reuters, The Associated Press and Bloomberg. His Web site FareCompare.com offers consumers free, new-generation software combined with expert insider tips to find the best airline ticket deal.