As Workers Get Ax, Friendships Also Cut

After the Layoffs: You're Too Ashamed to Contact Them

"I actually have not been able to stay friends with my coworkers," said Chicago writer Patrick Erwin, who was laid off in December -- ironically -- by a national job search firm. "I feel uncomfortable contacting them. It's been humiliating to lose my job."

Being cut from the team he'd enjoyed working with has also made him feel like the odd man out.

"I am still Facebook 'friends' with most of them, but it's really hard to watch them update their statuses and still work as a group while I'm stuck outside," said Erwin, who'd been on the job six months before getting the bad news.

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New York-based social psychologist Matt Wallaert has a suggestion for laid-off workers worried that they no longer fit in socially with their former team: "Try and remove work from the dynamic of what your relationship is based on."

Translation: Skip Friday happy hours with your former work family, where talk of the day's admonitions and collaborations is sure to arise. Better to meet those cubicle mates you felt closest to one-on-one, on neutral territory, preferably outside the 10-block radius of your former office.

Wallaert, who specializes in the social psychology of money and worplace issues and works as a lead scientist for Thrive, a free online personal finance service, should know. The close friend who first brought him into the company in 2007 was recently laid off himself. But by avoiding an excess of shop talk, the two have managed to preserve their personal relationship.

They're Too Tactless to Offer Any Comfort

Of course, there's always the chance that the newly laid off will reach out to their former comrades, only to get an earful about their ex-office mates' own employment woes.

That's what happened to Jennifer Bourgoyne, who was laid off in 2005 from her Silicon Valley job of 12 years -- when she was nine months pregnant. When a work place pal called to see how Bourgoyne was doing post-layoff, Bourgoyne got anything but sympathy.

"When I told her it felt really crummy still, she told me that I needed to 'stop being like this and think about how hard it is for those still there,'" explained Bourgoyne, who's since started her own business. "I was so shocked, I had to laugh."

Seattle journalist Amy Roe, who was laid off from her media job last year, reported a similar experience.

"A friend who still works there complains about how much she hates her job and how depressing the newsroom is," Roe explained via e-mail. "She always assures me I'm not missing anything, but of course there's one thing I'm missing: a paycheck."

Wallaert offers this reminder: "For the person who stays behind, there's still that axe over their head. They're still worried about their position."

"Your work friends are not the ones you should reach out to for layoff comfort," he said.

That's what your other friends, your significant other or your family are for.