How to Keep the Romantic Spark Alive

Nov. 17 -- It's a familiar scene for couples today. The kids are in bed; it should be you-and-me time. But instead of relaxing with each other, both parents go to work.

It could be job related — e-mail, phone calls, a project. It could be the business of the family — bills, housekeeping, maintenance, phone calls for school or sports events. All of a sudden, it's 10:30 or 11 p.m.

He looks at her. She looks at him. Both are tired — it's already been a long day. Add in the personality and gender differences that accompany expectations for romance and sex, and it might seem easier to just say, "Good night, honey," and pin hopes on the weekend.

'True Love'

Society's changes over the past few decades have exacerbated the problem of keeping alive the spark that originally brought couples together.

Usually, both husband and wife work. Financial concerns are greater than ever. And they've got a third job when they get home at the end of the day — semi-pro kid coach.

"Twenty years ago, the parenting job was to keep them safe, enjoy them and make sure they had presentable manners," says Mimi Doe, author of Busy but Balanced: Practical and Inspirational Ways to Create a Calmer, Closer Family, and founder of SpiritualParenting.com. "Now parents almost see themselves as private coaches."

They monitor their kids for their talents, nurture them, groom them, foot the bill for lessons.

That's on top of being part of a nation whose citizens work more than anybody else in the world, says James Morris, outgoing president of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, the professional association for the field of marriage and family therapy. That means less time for the family — and for your partner.

Technology — television, computers, the Internet, cell phones, e-mail devices — makes even more inroads on that time, adds Mark Merrill, president of Family First, a non-profit, independent research and communications organization specializing in strengthening the family.