— You're how old and you haven't won an Oscar? Don't cry. Hollywood gives out so many trophies, folks in the entertainment industry might feel honored if they can manage not to win anything.
The show business world loves to salute itself. This time of year, there are multiple award shows every week.
Just keeping up with the Oscars, Grammys, Golden Globes, and various other award shows could be a full-time job. In fact, it is a full-time job for award show expert Tom O'Neil. He runs Goldderby.com, which tracks the distribution of more than 4,000 annual show business awards.
Just like actors, directors and producers, these days Hollywood hairstylists, stuntmen and even publicists dispense glitzy awards. The field is so crowded, it can lead to confusion. Sound editors honor each other at the Golden Reel Awards, not to be confused with the Reel Awards — given out to the best celebrity impersonators.
Even the competition to dishonor Tinseltown's top turkeys is supersaturated with mock awards like the Razzies, Phlemmies and Stinkers.
If some of the more obscure awards have you confused, here's a little guide:
Best Coming Attractions: At the Oscars last year, The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers lost out for best picture. However, the second installment of the Tolkien trilogy won a "Golden Trailer" for best action movie preview.
The movie trailer business is no joke. "Movie trailers play an increasingly important role in entertaining us and helping us determine where to spend our leisure time," according to goldentrailers.com.
"The best trailers are works of art in their own right, expertly blending elements of cinema and advertising."
If the producers who make coming attractions are making their jobs seem better than they actually are, that just proves they're good at what they do.
Dennis Miller hosted last year's Golden Trailers ceremony in Los Angeles as About Schmidt swept awards in the best comedy, best of show, music and voiceover categories.
Best Fraud: Woody Allen is famous for boycotting award shows. In Annie Hall he joked that Hollywood would be inclined to honor Adolf Hitler as "Best Fascist Dictator." But Woody's No. 1 celebrity impersonator — David Pires — feels differently.
Why shouldn't Pires and other celebrity impersonators have the "Reel Awards" — their own version of the Oscars? The tongue-in-cheek event is held in Los Angeles during Oscar week, with screaming fans and red-carpet arrivals at Hollywood's famed Roosevelt Hotel.
Last year, Nick D'Egidio picked up honors for his Frank Sinatra impression. Brendan Paul got a nod for his Elvis act, while the illustrious "Career Achievement" award went to Gene Greytak, who likes to play Pope John Paul II.
Other honors went to Dee Dee Hanson, who took a prize for her work as Joan Rivers, which can be easy, given the comedian's slavish devotion to plastic surgery.
At this year's ceremony, let's just hope the Russell Crowe look-alike doesn't punch anyone out.
Best Hack: How often is Johnny Depp hailed as a role model? The Hollywood bad boy recently won the American Lung Association's "Hackademy" Award for keeping his salty character tobacco-free in Pirates of the Caribbean.
The anti-smoking society also gives "Black Lung" honors. Last year's butt-ugly performance went to Catherine Zeta-Jones, who was cited for "dancing with a cigarette in her mouth" in Chicago.