Perhaps the problem with America is that we treat our animals like celebrities while our celebrities behave like animals.
With that in mind, here are the Top 10 Wolf Files of 2005, a year of couch abuse, talking T-shirts and calls for compassionate cockfighting.
As if some stars don't get enough attention, "Talking T-shirts" became the rage in Hollywood. We suddenly had to deal with the likes of a pregnant Britney Spears in a midriff-revealing top that bore the message, "I have the golden ticket" -- punctuated with an arrow pointing toward the baby in her tummy.
In one of the summer's biggest celebrity mea culpas, Eva Longoria of "Desperate Housewives" apologized to Jennifer Aniston for walking around Hollywood in a shirt that said "I'll Have Your Baby, Brad," shortly after Aniston and Pitt announced they were separating.
Pitt may have left Aniston for Angelina Jolie, but in the High Court of Public Apparel, Aniston was clearly winning sway. T-shirts that read "Team Aniston" were outselling "Team Jolie" on the Internet by a 25-to-1 margin, according to Shopkitson.com. No word yet if anyone's joining "Team Longoria."
The bitter feud between Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton left heiresses around the world crying in their caviar. Still, when you consider other celebrity battle royals -- Bette Davis vs. Joan Crawford, Elton John vs. Madonna and even Michael Jackson vs. Corey Feldman -- you'll see that many stars are defined by their rivalries.
As the Wolf Files gave its rundown of the greatest star-studded catfights, Hilton and Richie managed to patch things up enough for another vacuous season of "The Simple Life."
Several years ago, when Rafael Palmeiro started advocating America's most celebrated performance-enhancing drug -- Viagra -- the baseball slugger-turned-pitchman got kudos for admitting he needed some off-the-field help.
But when the baseball star tested positive for steroids this summer, his time as a pitchman for Pfizer's little blue wonder drug took on a cruel irony. But was it any more ironic than seeing Mary-Kate Olsen's face on a McDonald's Happy Meal box just before the bone-thin Olsen twin checked into a Utah rehab center for an eating disorder?
So what if Katie Holmes was 8 years old in 1986, when Cruise was starring in "Top Gun." That's nothing compared to the 25-year age difference between Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall, or, for that matter, Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones.
Interestingly, big-screen action heroes aren't Hollywood's greatest marital adventurers. The Wolf Files found that comedians account for some of the wildest May-December relationships -- and that might account for some of Cruise's strange, couch-jumping antics.
Consider: Charlie Chaplin was 54 when he married Oona O'Neill, the 17-year-old daughter of playwright Eugene O'Neill. Heather Harlan, Tony Randall's second wife, was born in 1970, the same year Randall, then 50, rocketed to TV immortality as America's favorite fussbudget, Felix Unger.
"A man is only as young as the woman he feels," Groucho Marx once quipped, and he should know. He was 64 when he married his third wife, who was 40 years his junior.