Since the dawn of time, about 100 billion people have walked the Earth (give or take a few hundred million, of course). There are about 5,000 saints recognized by Catholics. Do the math. Again, Baer has advice on improving your odds.
"Become the pope," Baer says. "It's really the best proven path to sainthood."
Perhaps you never thought of yourself as a numbers person. But I've collated some numbers from Baer and other number meisters, and these might help you keep some perspective on the future.
I'll leave the chances of grave illness and catastrophic illness aside, and I won't report your chances of winning a state lottery, because the odds are, Heidi Klum's cell phone number would be astronomically more valuable to you.
563-to-1: Catching a Foul Ball About 50 balls are used in the average major league game and the average team draws about 28,000 people. Want to improve your chances for catching a foul ball? Don't root for the Yankees — a winning team that draws a lot of fans. Tigers fans don't have much to cheer about these days. But they go home with a lot of souvenirs.
Of course, no matter where you are, most of the foul balls go to the people in the good seats. 685,000-to-1: Drowning in Your Bathtub This Year Interestingly, tub drownings are only slightly less probable than being dealt a royal flush (649,739-to-1). 6 Million-to-1: Suffering an Unprovoked Shark Attack Scared of going in the water? There were only 47 serious shark attacks in the United States last year, according to the International Shark File. You actually have a slightly better chance of dying from a bee sting.
10 Million-to-1: Becoming President
Given that presidential years roughly range from 40 to 72, you'll have eight chances in your lifetime to make a run at the Oval Office.
Being a native-born American is a requirement. But being tall and male also helps. Eighteen presidents were at least 6 feet tall. You should also go to law school, serve in the military, teach at a prestigious university and pray, because agnostics and atheists are rarely elected.
That excuses me from service as chief executive. But odds are, the country is much better off. I just hope Heidi accepts me for who I am.
Buck Wolf is entertainment producer at ABCNEWS.com. The Wolf Files is published Tuesdays. If you want to receive weekly notice when a new column is published, join the e-mail list.