— If you can read my mind right now you should be celebrating. It's National Psychic Week!
Every August I call members of the clairvoyant community to wish them a happy National Psychic Week. Most of them are surprised to hear there's a holiday in their honor. How's that for intuition?
But don't get down on your friendly neighborhood psychics. As they always tell me, just because they're clairvoyant, doesn't mean they don't know everything.
What's more, they're often busy. As I found this week, many support their paranormal practices with workaday jobs. When they're not looking into our future, psychics are also designing Web pages, selling incense, or even performing as children's clowns.
The Famed Miss Cleo, formerly the star of TV's Psychic Readers Network, has worked as an actress. She even supplied a voice for the popular video game Grand Theft Auto: Vice City.
If You’re So Damn Psychic …
It just shows you how cynical I am. If I could see tomorrow, I'd run to the racetrack or call a stockbroker. Give me a day of precognition, and I guarantee you that my children's children's children wouldn't have to work.
Of course, once I'm rich enough to make Bill Gates look poor, I'd put my ESP to good work, solving crimes, rooting out terrorists and so forth.
Forgive my temptation to judge psychics by their economic stature. I'm often reminded of that sign in novelty stores, "If you're so damn smart, why ain't you rich?"
Sometimes I think, "If you're so damn clairvoyant, why do you work at a carnival?"
But psychics say it doesn't work that way. Their special gifts are often said to be limited. Their powers only work for other people. They can only see certain things.
I have come to think of ESP as something akin to an "all-risk" insurance policy. You think your car is covered for everything. Then you read the small print and you're out of luck.
Now, to celebrate National Psychic Week, I take a look at how many psychics have diversified, branching into matchmaking, toy making, and you name it.
In many cases, they say they do these things to reach new people with their special gift or raise money for a good cause. Others are just adapting to a changing world.
In any event, there are a lot of psychics out there, and it's up to you to decide who can see into your future (for a reasonable fee). I honor the following people only for the unique products and services they provide.
Very Rare Mediums
Stallone's Rumpology: Has astrology let you down? Sylvester Stallone's mom applies the concept of palm reading to a spot where the sun doesn't shine. She practices "rumpology."
A rumpologist like Jackie Stallone will tell fortunes based on a print of your butt. There's some logic in this. Can't you just look at some people's behinds and predict that they eat too much junk food and have let their gym membership lapse?
Ms. Stallone, a one-time trapeze artist, also claims to be the owner of psychic dogs, miniature Doberman pinschers who are sometimes dressed in tutus and dresses and are said to be very accurate in predicting Oscar winners.
The only question is why these pooches let Sly star in Get Carter, Judge Dredd and Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot. Those are bad dogs.
Geller's Metaphysical Teddy Bears: Why buy your kid a plain old teddy bear? Uri Geller, the famed "spoon-bending" psychic, is selling metaphysical teddy bears — dressed up as fortune tellers, palm readers, and astrologers.