Voice Changer: Be Your Own Jealous Boyfriend Smart women don't answer the phone. There's caller ID and voice mail — great buffers when you're avoiding a guy who just doesn't deserve a second date.
If a gal really wants to scare the daylights out of an ungentlemanly caller, she can digitally alter her ladylike voice to a gravely baritone and pretend to have a new boyfriend — who's rip-roaring mad that another man is calling his sweetie.
Indeed, sometimes it pays to have a man around the house. But it might be much more economical to have a Voice Manipulator XE — a $30 device that fits over the phone from Gadgets.com. Even if you sing soprano, it can make you sound like a gruff, steroid-popping lumberjack.
Matchmakers are not only finding boyfriends and girlfriends for their clients — they're delivering bad news when you're not wanted.
Sarah Kathryn Smith, president of 8at8, a dating service that sets up dinner parties for singles, says that contemporary daters like the idea of having a hired gun do their dirty work.
If one 8at8 diner wants another diner's telephone number, he can ask directly. But modern-day cowards will often chicken out and ask indirectly, through the matchmaker.
"It can get ugly. You can hear someone say, 'I wouldn't date that fat, unemployed so-and-so,' " says Smith.
To soften the blow, 8at8 sends a diplomatic e-mail response: "The person you inquired about would like to politely decline your invitation to exchange information."
But modern singles tend to like the safety of having an intermediary as an alternative to a blind date — and Smith says her diner's club, with branches in Atlanta, Dallas, New York and Chicago, has led to 20 marriages and plans to open in more than 20 cities in the coming months.
Our Relationship Sleeps With the Fishes
Is it time to retaliate? If your ex gave you a Post-it Note heave-ho, the Internet offers various obnoxious services to escalate a petty war. A bucket of dead fish can be delivered to the doorstep of whoever did you wrong.
Perhaps there's no better token to pronounce your relationship dead than a toe tag from the L.A. Coroner's Office — just like the ones they put on cadavers in the morgue.
Everyone in Hollywood is a star, of course, and the coroner's office has investigated so many celebrated crimes, that it maintains a gift shop. The blue toe tags — which make great key chains — can even be inscribed with a 14-word message that leaves no room for doubt. For instance, "Call one more time … and this could be you."
Buck Wolf is entertainment producer at ABCNEWS.com. The Wolf Files is published Tuesdays. If you want to receive weekly notice when a new column is published, join the e-mail list.