Bang a Gong for Chuck Barris

Talk about the unknown comic: If you believe Chuck Barris, he had a secret life as a CIA assassin.

Barris is certainly guilty of many offenses. He was a pioneer of reality TV, bringing to life The Dating Game, The Newlywed Game and other unscripted programs designed to allow participants to humiliate themselves before a national audience. He then stepped in front of the camera with his most infamous creation, The Gong Show.

But while Barris was destroying American culture, was he also executing enemy spies? In Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, a 1980 autobiography, the TV legend offers this self-assessment:

"My name is Charles Hirsch Barris. I have written pop songs, I have been a television producer. I am responsible for polluting the airwaves with mind-numbing puerile entertainment. In addition, I have murdered 33 human beings."

Now, George Clooney, in his directorial debut, is bringing the Barris story to the big screen — depicting the funny man as a hit man. The movie opens nationally Jan. 17, starring Clooney, Julia Roberts, Drew Barrymore and Sam Rockwell as a gong-and-gun-wielding Barris.

Clooney isn't sure whether the spy games are all in Barris' head. "I made it a point never to ask Chuck," he says. "I thought if I was going to tell the story, I thought I should do it without knowing the answer. It's a fascinating story either way."

Sure, Barris may have created the CIA gimmick to create interest in the book. Not a bad idea. It's hard to check. The CIA doesn't comment on questions about its personnel. Maybe I'm a special agent, too. Prove I'm not.

However, Barris offers a disturbingly detailed account in the book. Detailing one mission, he writes:

"I jammed my automatic into his mouth. The front of the silencer broke teeth as it went in … I pulled the trigger three times. The man's eyes remained surprised while the back of his head splattered against the wall of the church."

It's also a little disturbing that winners on The Dating Game received free trips to "Swingin' West Berlin" and "Beautiful Helsinki." Why not Miami? Barris purportedly chose the vacation destinations and traveled as a chaperon to create a cover for his cloak-and-dagger games.

Would a man really talk about concealing microfilm in his rectum just to sell books? Just remember who we're talking about. When dog acts were on The Gong Show Barris claimed he'd rub Alpo on his suit, because an unscripted snout-in-the-crotch was good for a laugh, every time.

Barris, now 73, won't elaborate on his supposed spy past, even as he promotes the movie. All he says is, "I can't."

He can't? Why not? Is it too painful? Is the government putting a gag on him? He leaves that to our imagination. That's Chuckie Baby, as the world once knew him, selling the show. Truth or fiction, you decide.

Chuck might not be a spy, but he has made some lasting contributions — and he has done some good in the world. Let's take a look. Frisky Dating Game Dialogue

The Dating Game brought the swingin' sexual revolution to TV. Back in 1965, TV shows didn't even acknowledge that husbands and wives slept in the same bed. Suddenly, men and women were engaging in this sort of frisky over-the-top dialogue:

Bachelorette: Bachelor No 3, make up a poem for me. Bachelor No. 3: Dollar for dollar, and ounce for ounce, I'll give you pleasure cause I'm big where it counts. The Newlywed Game, started a year later, allowed TV to acknowledge that, indeed, there was sex after marriage.

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