"I could make that joke funny, but only if I used obscenities every three words." — Gilbert Gottfried, stand-up comic and voice of the AFLAC duck in TV commercials
"Sure, Dr. Wiseman can find the funniest joke, but can he screw in a light bulb? I hear the second funniest joke is his resume."
— Malcolm Kushner, speechwriter, author of Public Speaking for Dummies
"What's funny is that hunters don't carry cell phones. That's a stupid joke! And it's long!"
— Mario Cantone, stand-up comic who appears regularly on HBO's Sex and the City as Anthony, Charlotte's frenetic gay friend
"Scientists have once again proven they are the utmost boring people on earth."
— Carol Montgomery, Las Vegas-based comic
"Whoever told that joke was wasting his breath … and that was no great loss, either." — Groucho Marx interpreter Frank Ferrante, imagining what Groucho would say
"This study was conducted on the Internet … I don't believe anything on the Internet. If you're reading my comments, I probably didn't say any of this."
— Ellen Cleghorne, former Saturday Night Live cast member
"It sounds like they polled their lab monkeys, instead of people with a sense of humor."
— Barry Dougherty, comedy writer and author of How To Do It Standing-Up … The Friars Club Guide To Being A Comic, A Cut-Up, A Card, Or A Clown
"This is the kind of research you do when you graduate last in your class."
— Lenny Marcus, a computer programmer turned "Geek Comic," who recently appeared at the Montreal Comedy Festival
"That's the kind of joke that must be written in prison. No self-respecting stand-up comic would use it. My mother might like it. In fact, I'm going to call her and tell it to her."
— Eddie Ifft, New York-based stand-up comic who's appeared on Comedy Central's Premium Blend
"I can absolutely guarantee that's not the greatest joke. I wrote a better one last week: 85-year-old Phyllis Diller has a stalker. Not to worry, he's in a walker."
— Phyllis Diller
Buck Wolf is entertainment producer at ABCNEWS.com. The Wolf Files is published Tuesdays. If you want to receive weekly notice when a new column is published, join the e-mail list.