Archie Bunker's Last Stand

On Homosexuality: "I never said a guy who wears glasses is a queer. A guy who wears glasses is a four-eyes. A guy who is a fag is a queer."

On a typical day: "Yeah, it was a beauty, coming home I was held up 31 minutes in the subway. Packed in like sardines, we were. No lights, no fans, just me pressed up against a 300-pound Italian man, half of which was pure garlic."

On Affirmative Action: Archie reads off the names on the slate he's voting for: "Tore, Feldman, O'Reilly, Nelson," he says "That's an Italian, a Jew, an Irishman and a regular American. That's what I call a balanced ticket."

On the difference between Richard Nixon and Franklin Roosevelt: "Well, I'll tell you one thing about President Nixon. He keeps Pat home. Which was where Roosevelt should have kept Eleanor. Instead he let her run around loose until one day she discovered the colored. We never knew they were there. She told them they were gettin' the short end of the stick and we been having trouble ever since."

On his memories of carrying his wife across the threshold on their wedding day: "I says to her, 'Watch your head, Dingbat, or you'll knock your brains out!'"

On premarital sex: Archie tells his son-in-law that he never, ever had sex with his wife until they were married. "Yeah," Edith adds, "And even then … "

On God's words to Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden: "Get your clothes and get the hell out of here."

It's O'Connor's genius that he could deliver such material with humanity. Folks say he was as nice and kind as they come. May he rest in peace.

Buck Wolf is entertainment producer at The Wolf Files is published Tuesdays and Thursdays. If you want to receive weekly notice when a new column is published, join the e-mail list.

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