The Dog Knit Sweater . . . and Other Valentine's Day Gifts

Do you really want to know your lover? How about a guided tour of his heart … or his colon? For $800, Innovative Medical Imaging in Boca Raton, Fla., will let you and your loved one see your innards. Don't worry about some nasty little camera snaking through your small intestines. You just drink a solution and 3-D images of your bodily organs will dance before your eyes. Suggested celebrity endorsement: John Gray

6. If Your Skivvies Could Talk: Musical Underwear

Any couple could make sweet music together with these boxers. They're 100 percent cotton, and play such classics as "The Theme From Love Story," "Love Me Tender" and "Let Me Call You Sweetheart." They cost $13.95 per pair, and come with directions that Valentine's Day lovers are sure to understand: squeeze to operate. Suggested celebrity endorsement: Pee Wee Herman.

7. Exqueeze Me: Bubble-Wrap Lingerie

Anyone can wear a black teddy. But if you were one of those kids who liked the boxes more than the toys that came inside, here's the lingerie for you. For $145, you could can bring the pop back into your bedroom with this bubble-wrap nightie. It doubles as a life preserver and makes the perfect gift for lovebirds who want to play out their Titanic fantasies. Suggested celebrity endorsement: Kate Winslet.

8. Get Raw: Guns and Beef Holiday

What does firing big guns have to do with romance? Ask Dr. Strangelove. Your angel can pack heat this Valentine's Day. Site59.com, a Web site that specializes in last-minute vacation ideas, will send you and your honey to a New York riflery range, followed by dinner at one of the city's hottest steakhouses, for only $98. Site59 can also send you on a hot-air balloon ride or a self-guided tour of Manhattan's coolest men's urinals, depending on whether you're irrepressibly romantic or downright peculiar. Suggested celebrity endorsement: Ted Nugent

9. Is it That Time of the Month?: His & Hers PMS Calendars

A little advice to my clueless brethren: No matter how cranky your lady is, never, ever, ever, ask that question, or you are sure to get roses crammed up your nose stem-first. It's far better to give yourself the gift that will pay off every 28 days — "his and hers" PMS calendars. Your wife might not be impressed with the gift … but for $14.95, you'll have your answer. Suggested celebrity endorsement: Dr. Laura.

10. A Real Still Life Painting: Art From Lover's Ashes

Imagine Romeo on Valentine's Day after his sweet Juliet has shuffled off her mortal coil. What can ease his suffering soul? The Eternally Yours Company promises to make everlasting art of a loved one's ashes. They'll mix Juliet's remains with oil-based paint to create a professionally framed work of abstract painting. Suggested celebrity endorsement: O.J. Simpson.

11. Rocket Booster: Herbal Viagra Substitute

What does it mean when your wife gives you an herbal supplement that's supposed to increase your sexual prowess? The folks at BetterMAN say Valentine's Day is the perfect time to seek help in the form of a pill. BetterMAN is a blend of 18 Chinese herbs that apparently promotes sexual performance in rats, according to a November 2000 study in the Journal of Urology. Many women have noted the similarity between men and rats. Suggested celebrity endorsement: Elizabeth Dole.

12. When Puppy Love Turns Bad: Dog Poop in a Gift Box

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