The Dog Knit Sweater . . . and Other Valentine's Day Gifts

Feb. 12, 2001 — -- With a name like "Wolf," you might assume that this reporter has a special love of the wild. You'd be sadly mistaken — especially on Valentine's Day.

Yes, I've loved and lost. Not to another man. But to a canine. More than once I've come between a woman and her pet and walked away with nothing but dog or cat hair on my jammies.

So when a publicist called me up, hawking a dog-fur sweater, custom-made to order from your precious pet's fur, I just had to share it with the lovelorn.

If you have to proclaim your love to your significant other and her pet, what better way to do it than with a custom-made "chiengora" sweater, knitted from Fido's own fur? Sure, you might have to vacuum like mad to gather enough fur for a genuine Jack Russell terrier cardigan. But in the name of love, why not? It's too late for me to make amends, but not for you.

Every relationship presents its own challenges. This week, The Wolf Files offers Valentine's Day gifts that speak to the special quirks of love. Musical underwear and bubble-wrap lingerie aren't for everyone. Nevertheless, here are 14 ideas for folks who need more than roses and chocolates to spice up their lives.

1. The Vanity Press: A $25,000 Lovebird Biography Can you write your own love story? You bet. If you have $25,000, you can even publish it. Five Star Publications in Chandler, Ariz., says all you need is a brief summary of your sweetheart's life, photos (preferably not pornographic), and, of course, money. The company will hire a Cyrano to ghostwrite if you can't compose anything yourself. You'll get a 150-page hardcover to present to your sweetheart and 500 paperbacks to thrill/bore your friends and family.Suggested celebrity endorsement: Jackie Collins

2. Coming to Your Emotional Rescue: A Knight in Shining Armor

Prove your mettle on the battlefield of love. Greet your fair maiden in a fully articulated, 95-pound suit of armor. Museumshop.com offers an $8,000 reproduction of a foot-combat suit made for King Henry VIII. Interlocking plates protect the entire body. But the slings and arrows of your lover's derisive laughter might penetrate the iron. Suggested celebrity endorsement: Sir Sean Connery