Model Kim Noorda's Food Journal

Today we discussed body image. The question was "What opinion did you have of your body before you started to get concerned about weight and dieting?" Most likely I have been a vain girl from an early age. When I was about twelve years old, a number of classmates started telling me that I should become a model. Since then, I can recall being asked questions about what I did to look as I did. It was then that I became aware that you could do something about your appearance, and thus make yourself beautiful. ...

How do other people react to me being a model? Last week a girl from the group left. She asked if I wanted to hug her, and then she said to the group, "I got a hug from a model. How cool is that?" Another woman has not made eye contact since I talked about working as a model. People often react so peculiarly to the world of fashion.

February 2009

I slept well. Started the day optimistically. Made myself breakfast at home and went for a cup of coffee afterward. I had been feeling hungry in the morning for about the entire week. They ask about this at the center, but I dare not tell them. First because other patients continually say they do not feel hungry anymore. And second because I fear that they will think I am better than they are, whereas I am actually more worried about everything. ...

I worry about making a mess out of the therapy. I do not eat exactly according to their meal descriptions. I do not exercise enough to get muscled arms. I do not dress like a model any longer. I am not overt enough toward the therapists. Just had a visit from the nutritionist, and she changed my diet again; I was afraid of that. She asked me what was the matter because from Tuesday to Friday I gained weight, and from Friday I'd lost some again. I was glad to hear that I had lost weight, because last time I gained over one pound. Because the diet keeps getting more and more, I am still nourished with distrust. I like getting used to eating a certain amount of food over a longer period. Otherwise I have to keep shopping for new clothes every week. ...

I am starting to worry about the castings for shows that are about to start. I look tired and do not have a suitable outfit to wear. I do not know how to talk to fashion people about what I have been doing lately. ...

I get the impression that people disapprove of change. This holds true for my job. When I look back on my career, most of my changes have been frowned upon. I was fifteen when I started, and by the time I was eighteen I did my first catwalk shows. I struggled to prevent gaining weight, whereas already I was considered to be a "heavy" model compared with the others. My agent told me I was beautiful as I was, but I had to make sure that I would not gain more. She encouraged me to lose at least some of my weight. I was ashamed that I had to diet. At home I was thinner than everybody else, but compared with other models, I was heavier. (This period in my life was rather difficult, too: My parents were divorcing in an unpleasant manner. My father and I did not get along well, and I missed his parental support in certain situations: the hard and sometimes incomprehensible fashion industry and also learning to stand on my own two feet.)

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