Model Kim Noorda's Food Journal

Every season I gained a little weight, and every time it felt like I was doing fewer shows. During the shows the pressure caused me to lose weight, and people complimented me on that. After the shows I gained a bit. When a month or so later I appeared for a job in front of the people who had booked me, the difference between me and my pictures was too great. Nobody said so, but I knew. So I would start eating less. Even now I ask myself, How can you lose weight responsibly? How does one do that? ...

The last two days at the center I was tense. I felt so angry about not being well yet. I felt that I was failing. I gained 1.6 pounds in three days. Now I have to focus on my shows. And after the shows I want to contemplate what I have learned at Renfrew, and what I want to do with the rest of my life: going to college, being a good model, expanding and improving my social life, and learning how to express myself in a better way. What do I want, and what could I mean to other people? ...

Not a single person has told me that I have gained weight since the start of the shows. Not during the castings, and not even my European agent has said anything. Everything fit. This confused me, because I thought people could see every gram. Then again, no one has said that I look good, either, or commented on my appearance otherwise. When I started looking at pictures from the first show, there were still some things I disliked. My legs and cheeks have become fatter. I really need to do something about that. Exercises. On the Internet there are no positive reactions to how I looked. ...

Yesterday I attended an after-care-therapy conversation with my case manager at Renfrew. Immediately afterward I went to fit a pair of trousers with a stylist who is known to prefer very skinny models. The board showed that she had only booked skinny girls. I didn't know if this pair of trousers was really too small or if I have become so much heavier than the rest. What I do know is that I could not get them zipped up with all my strength. The designer apologized for the small size. The stylist said, "Oops." Then she made a phone call. I thought, OK, she will probably cancel me, and I looked her in the eye. She really did not seem to blame me. That surprised me, but I could not care less because I felt rather all right. I had had my period the day before, and it had made me so happy. It felt as though I had achieved one successful result in the center this month. So I could take it. I did not panic.

To read the rest of the story, go to Vogue.com.

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