Welcome back to the column where the initials T.G.I.F. are not synonymous with anything smothered in pepper-jack cheese.
Duran Duran has announced the pending reunion of its original '80s lineup — Simon LeBon, Nick Rhodes, Andy Taylor, John Taylor, and Roger Taylor — for an upcoming album and tour. But don't save a prayer for current double-D guitarist Warren Curruculo; he's already lined up another gig. No, not as a porn model (Has everybody seen those photos by now? Wow! Nice, um … abs, Warren), but with his previous group, Missing Persons, which is also gearing up to hit the road. The burning question: Which one gets to take out Kajagoogoo as its support act?
The road manager for Insane Clown Posse accused of strangling an Eminem fan this week admits he wrapped his mitts around the kid's neck and squeezed hard but didn't render him unconscious. It's not completely implausible; maybe the guy was just so bored by ICP's show that he slipped into a coma. Mid-choking.
Guns N' Roses has canceled its European tour? Incroyable! Next you'll be telling us the new Michael Jackson album has been delayed. But seriously, Seven Days sends get-well wishes to guitarist Buckethead. We just wish we could have been there when the poor guy checked into the hospital: "Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to remove the KFC bucket so the doctor can examine you."
The RIAA reports that it seized more than 1.7 million pirate CDs in 2000. What do pirates listen to, anyway? Sea chanteys? The original Broadway cast recording of Peter Pan? Teach Your Parrot to Talk Dirty? What's that? Oh … PIRATED. Never mind.
'N Sync debuts its new single, "Pop," on TRL today. Justin Timberlake recently told Entertainment Weekly the new tune dabbles with the British dance craze known as two-step: "It's like R&B twice as fast." Does that mean the song is only half as long as other 'N Sync singles? Boys, your seven and a half minutes of fame are almost up.
Lastly, word on the street is that Death Row kingpin Suge Knight has scheduled a mid-summer release for a dubious video titled J. Lo Uncut: The Real Story. The footage featured supposedly dates back to the singer-actress-designer's days on In Living Color, but is it really a sex tape, as rumors purport? Maybe it's just unedited dance sequences by the Fly Girls, which would undoubtedly be just as embarrassing.
Till next week, there's a whole in my heart that goes all the way to China.