Showbiz Commentary: Heidi Oringer

Melanie Griffith is a wee bit … how shall I put it? Freaky! Yes, that’s it. Freaky! There, I said it. Plain and simple and I won’t take it back. I have plenty of reasons to feel this way, though.

Why Freaky? Reason No. 1:

Let’s start with those inner tubes on her face … I believe the scientific term is lips. She had a perfectly nice pair. They did what they were supposed to do (and probably what they weren’t!). I never heard anyone say they saw food drop out of her mouth because her lips were an inadequate size, but Ms. Griffith felt it necessary to increase their volume again, and again.

Now she looks like a cartoon character with an allergy. Or like she’s wearing wax lips as an accessory. (Remember those? You put them on for fun, then chewed them up and spit out the whole tasteless wad in about two seconds.)

For the record, Griffith denies having anything done to her face. She does admit to having had a boob job after breast-feeding her daughter Dakota (from the second of her two marriages to Don Johnson). “I didn’t make them bigger — just had them put back where they belong,” she told the Orlando Sentinel in August.

Griffith even laughed off a tabloid story that claimed she had undergone a $100,000 makeover. “How could anyone have that much work done on their body?” she told Liz Smith. “I mean, wouldn’t you notice?”

Well, I for one notice a difference. And it sure seems like plastic surgery to me … unless those killer bees we keep hearing about finally made their way to Hollywood, and she attempted to kiss them into submission.

Of course, Melanie is free to distort her face however she deems necessary. And she apparently does deem it necessary, because those lips aren’t the only thing that looks different to me. Now, if she’s had work done, that’s OK if that’s what she wants, but the doctors obviously did a crappy job. And when you come out looking all strange, don’t pretend you don’t. That’s just weird.

Why Freaky? Reason No. 2:

There are the addictions. Or what I like to call the “Many faces of Melanie.” She was treated for an addiction to alcohol. She was treated for an addiction to cocaine. And now, her most recent spin, an addiction to painkillers. (What’s left — paprika?) She has sworn off all these vices and now contends this is really it. She’s finally sober and happy.

I’m not saying you’re a “freak” if you become addicted to something. It happens to lots of people. The thing is, if you’ve been addicted before, and you have had “bad luck” with other drugs, why would you try yet another? And if you know you have an addictive personality, why would you come out swinging and add the extra burden on yourself when you’re already fragile?

You may be thinking, “You’ve got some nerve and what’s your beef with Griffith?” So I’ll tell you: I’d gladly let the woman live her personal “La Vida Loca.” Make tailor-like alterations to her face. Toot, shoot and reboot. Whatever. Except for one thing. She’s decided to share her battle with her fans via the Internet. Yes, Ms. Melanie has her own site at www.melaniegriffith.com.

And why has she so courageously decided to spill her addicted beans? Because she says this can happen to anyone.

Hello! Calling Melanie Griffith! You’re not just ANYONE!

Spiritual Shill

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