Book Excerpt: Ask the Supernanny Part 2

Sept. 22, 2006 — -- Q: My wife and I have one son, Sam,who's three and a half, and we'reexpecting another baby in a couple of months'time. My wife gets pretty tired these days andI'd like to help her out more than I do, butSam always insists on having Mommy doeverything. I've tried to explain to him that hewill have a little brother or sister soon and hecan't expect to have Mommy to himself all thetime, but he throws a tantrum every time I tryto step in and help put him to bed or get himdressed in the morning. To be honest, I'mbeginning to feel like a spare part in thisfamily, and I'm worried things are only goingto get worse when the baby comes along.

A: I really feel for you. It's not pleasantto feel sidelined, or powerless toperform your role as a parent. But you'vegot one important thing going for you, andthat's the fact that you really want to be acommitted Dad to your son. Some fathershave been faced with a similar situation, andas a result have retreated, shrugged theirshoulders, and taken a backseat in familylife, and then regretted they have done so.

It doesn't have to be that way. Your sonneeds both his parents, and your wife needsall the rest she can get, now and for somemonths to come. You've got a window ofopportunity here to change the dynamicso that things are running more smoothlyonce the new baby arrives.

Mom must step back and allow you tofulfill your role. If you don't know how tocope with your son's behavior, she shouldshow you how so you can gain confidence inyour parenting. Telling Sam he can't expectto have Mommy to himself all the time sendsout a discouraging message that he's tooyoung to really understand.

So what should you do? First, you haveto recognize why Sam is behaving the wayhe is. He's using his refusal to be looked afterby anyone else but Mom as a means ofcontrol. So the first thing you both need todo is to break that pattern. That means youhave to come up with a rotation and stick toit. One night, Mom puts Sam to bed; the nextnight you do. When it's your night, explainto Sam that you will be putting him to bedtonight and that it will be Mommy's turntomorrow. At first, your son is going to tryall his usual tricks to get Mom to come tothe rescue. Your wife will need to be veryfirm and stay out of the picture so you getthe chance to follow through. If you can seea tantrum coming, keep calm and nip it inthe bud before it gets a chance to escalate.Try the Separation Technique (page 119).

I once visited a family on Supernannywhere the dynamic was similar to yours,but the other way around. The Douglaseshad twins of four: a boy and a girl. Sandra'srelationship with her daughter, Nicole, wasvery difficult, and at times she felt sorejected by Nicole that she had fantasizedabout leaving the family. The situation wasmade worse by the fact that every timeSandra had a problem dealing with herdaughter -- whether it was in the car, or inthe bath -- Douglas, the dad, would ride tothe rescue and take over. Sandra had tolearn to stay firm and not give in to Nicole'stantrums. Just as important, Dad needed tolearn how to stay out of the picture so thatMom and daughter had a chance to buildtheir relationship.

In that situation, there was an underlyingreason why Sandra let Nicole walk all overher. When the twins were very young,Sandra was called away on a seriousemergency having to do with her work for anairline. While she was gone, Doug built up abond with the twins and coped really well.

When she returned, Sandra felt guilty thatshe had left the twins at such a young age,and Doug was worried he would lose hisspecial connection with them when Momreturned.

But being a parent isn't just about sharingthe load with your partner. It's also abouthaving quality time with your kids. Play agame with your son – just the two of you – orfind some activity, such as kicking a ballaround in the park, which can be a specialtime for you both. Go out as a family andhave some fun together so that Sam learnshe can have a good time without demandingall of Mom's attention for himself.

He's already shown how he feels aboutsharing Mom's attention with you. Sharing itwith a baby is going to be very challengingfor him.

For that reason, you need to prepare himfor the new arrival much better than you'redoing at the moment. Choose your wordscarefully. If you tell him that he's going tohave less of Mom's attention once the babycomes, he's going to really dread that day.Every time a parent talks to a child, thatchild is going to wonder: "What does thatmean?" Kids take things very literally. Howmuch of what you say is backed up by theway you behave? Are you sending out mixedmessages to him? Don't use the new baby asa threat. Instead, bolster your son'sconfidence and independence by using theInvolvement Technique (page 157) to teachhim how to help and cooperate. Tell him he'sgoing to be a big brother soon. (See page 156for more ways to prepare a child for the birthof a sibling.)

C is for Confidence.
Make your decisions confidently and show your kidsyou're happy in your role. It's all in the tone of voice andbody language.

C is for Communication.
Keep talking and listening to your kids and to each other.It's the key to everything

Q: I'm a thirty-six-year-old mother of twochildren. Jason is eight and Chloe isten. They never listen to a word I say. I findmyself telling them to do things over and overuntil I'm sick of the sound of my voice. Chloeis the worst -- if I take her to task over thesmallest thing, we end up having ascreaming match. How am I going to copewhen they're older? I find it really upsettingbecause they do everything their Dad tellsthem to. What am I doing wrong?

A: Yelling, nagging, screaming, losingit -- these aren't good ways ofcommunicating with children. But youalready know that because when you nag,yell, or shout, all you communicate to yourchildren is that you have lost control. Oncethey've picked that up, they will lose respectfor you, and you won't be any closer togetting them to behave or do what they'retold. A child's behavior will get progressivelyworse when it feeds off a loss of control.

I'm constantly amazed at the kinds ofthings parents say to their kids:

"Do you know how bad you make me feel?""Go away and leave me alone!"

"You're such a mess-up! You're so ******annoying!"

"Shut up when I'm talking to you!"

"Get out of here! Go to your room and staythere!"

If you want to tear a strip off your child, ifyou want to make her feel small and destroyher self-esteem, you're going about it in theright way. Some parents pride themselvesthat they would never raise a hand to theirkids, but have no hesitation in woundingthem with vicious words. It's abuse, plainand simple.

So how should you talk to your children?With respect. With love. With clarity. Withunderstanding. With calmness.

How should you talk to your childrenwhen they're upset or in need ofunderstanding, or when emotions are raw?Listen to what they have to say. Don'tinterrupt them, shut them out, or brushthem aside. Validate their feelings andgive them guidance without jumping toconclusions or giving them a pat answer.Sometimes you may find yourself in asituation where your child has a problemthat is beyond your power to solve there andthen. Parents often respond to such issues byrevealing their panic, frustration, or anxiety.Stay calm. Say to your child: "How are wegoing to deal with this?" Give her theguidance to encourage her to think forherself. Show her that you have a grasp ofthe bigger picture, even if a solution doesn'timmediately present itself. How you respondwill play a big part in how your child dealswith the issue.

That's how you should talk to yourchildren. The tone of voice you should use isa different story altogether. I always say thatparents need at least three different tonesof voice: