Book Excerpt: 'I'm Pregnant ... Now What?'
-- Ruth Graham, daughter of renowned Christian evangelist Billy Graham, describes how she dealt with her 16-year-old daughter Windsor's pregnancy and offers advice for families dealing with unplanned pregnancies.
CHAPTER 1
My daughter Windsor had been sleeping a lot. She would come home from school andtake a long nap before dragging down to dinner.
She had been keeping company with a young man who was pleasant but whohad few, if any, ambitions. I had not prevented them from seeing each other, but Icertainly hoped their relationship would soon run its course.
When Windsor was younger, she had enjoyed horseback riding, but she haddropped her interest when boys began to appeal to her. For a time, she had seemed toenjoy flight lessons, but then this young man had diverted her attention. I hadencouraged her to get involved in sports, so she had tried out for basketball. But she didnot make the team. Now she had fallen in with a crowd that had little ambition exceptto have a big truck and plenty of chewing tobacco. Naturally, I had higher aspirationsfor her. Windsor accused me of being judgmental and not trusting her. Our relationshipbecame volatile and frustrating. I was keenly disappointed and even questioned Godabout these developments.
One sunny November afternoon, Windsor came and sat beside me on my bed. Isaw fear in her big blue eyes as she confessed that she suspected she was pregnant.My mind raced. I tried to prepare myself for what lay ahead as I embraced her,telling her it would be okay. I wanted to stay calm. Inwardly I was far from confident,and outwardly my mind began to shift into overdrive as more adrenaline kicked in.I was oddly reluctant to have her suspicion confirmed and I might have let it gofor several days, if not weeks. (Denial is an amazing thing!) I was not sure that I wasready to deal with all that might come if we found out for sure. But after Windsor wentto school that day, I confided in a friend and she urged us to go that very afternoon fora pregnancy test.
So after school, I drove Windsor to the doctor's office. My mind raced ahead.How would we handle this? Could I protect her? And what about my own reputation?What would people say now? I was a single mom and I could hear blame being cast inmy direction. What was I supposed to do? I really was not prepared for this. This wasnot supposed to happen in the Graham family. ...
The doctor confirmed that Windsor was pregnant. Still in his office, I looked intoher eyes brimming with tears and held her tightly as moans escaped from her innerdepths. My mind continued to race. How could I help her?
Our lives had just been changed forever.
I knew Windsor was wounded already and did not need me to add salt to her wounds.I knew she was feeling guilty and ashamed and I should not add to it. I could see thather father's neglect and the upheaval in our home life had left a hole in her heart thatshe was trying to fill by "looking for love in all the wrong places." She did not needmore rejection from me.
As a mother, what do you do with the information that your 16-year-olddaughter is pregnant? I could not hide it under a rock for long. I could not ignore it andhope it would go away. I could not shout it from the rooftops or run around in circlesscreaming. At some point, sooner rather than later, I would have to confront the manyissues involved. Ultimately, this would involve facing my own responsibility, guilt,shame and anger. In spite of my love, tears, prayers and efforts at discipline (sometimesyelling a lot), my child had made bad choices with serious consequences. Should I havedone more? Watched more closely? Grounded her more often? (Yes, no doubt I couldhave become her jailer -- and that only would have made the situation worse.)To ease my confusion, I reached for a devotional book and it opened to Bibleverses about peace. Peace! I was so far from being peaceful. But it was exactly the wordI needed. As I read, "The Lord of peace himself gives you peace always by all means.The Lord be with you all" (2 Thess. 3:16, KJV) and "My presence shall go with thee"(Exod. 33:14, KJV), I felt a peace that was not my own. I would return to those versesmany times.
I was the adult. My child needed my help. I could not come unglued. My tearswould have to come much later. We both needed to stop and take a breath, to think andto pray and to get counsel. We did not know what to do but I needed to find someonewho could help us sort it all out.
Windsor made the first big decision herself -- she did not want an abortion. I wasthankful for that.
Windsor also informed her boyfriend of her pregnancy. He said he did not loveher and did not want to marry her. He was as young and scared as she was. Windsor and I met with him and his mother, together with a licensed counselor. The young manmet with us several more times and was honest about his feelings, although it cutWindsor to ribbons. The more he withdrew from her, the more desperate she became intrying to hold on to him. It wasn't long before he was gone.
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