Dear 'GMA' Advice Guru: Carla Barnhill

Dec. 14, 2010 -- Carla Barnhill from Minneapolis, Minn, is a finalist in the Dear GMA Advice Guru Contest. Read her response to a viewer-submitted question below!

Question from Jill in Orange Park, FL: "Our son is a freshman in college. Our (his and our) plan was always to finish college first, and then join the military. However, he now wants to enlist and finish college while in the military, at a later date. We feel he is restless and somewhat "bored". Please help; we feel very strongly that he should finish school first."

Carla's Answer:

One of the hardest parts of parenting is watching our children make decisions we don't agree with. While I know you want nothing more than for your son to make good choices for his future, the fact is that he's the one who has to live with the consequences of this decision. That means he needs to be the one to make it.

He will, however, need your help. This is a great opportunity to teach your son some invaluable decision-making skills. By asking good questions, talking through the pros and cons, and encouraging him to think about his future in deeper ways you can help him make a wise choice, even if it's not the one you'd hoped for.

Use the time you have together over winter break to find out what's led to his feelings about school. Is the work too hard or too easy? Is he feeling pressured to choose a major? Is he making friends? If he's struggling in any of these areas, encourage him to talk to a counselor at the school, his academic advisor, or a resident advisor who can help him get connected with other students, activities, and resources.

You also need to talk with him about his reasons for wanting to join the military right now. Find out what he hopes to gain from the experience. If he's thinking about taking classes through the military, ask him how he envisions balancing his training with his education. Have him consider what opportunities will open up for him if he joins the military with a college degree in hand. And keep in mind that if he feels strongly that he's ready for the challenges of military life, all the pro-college talk in the world isn't going to persuade him to wait. And that's okay; college isn't for everyone.

Finally, talk to your son about your feelings on the issue. Be clear and honest but do your best to stay calm and simply lay out your hopes and your concerns. Ask him to think about what you've said and to keep talking through the decision-making process with you. If you're open to what he's saying and willing to hear him out, he's going to be more inclined to do the same with you.

In all of this I suggest one non-negotiable: He needs to finish out his freshman year. I teach college freshmen and every year a handful of them hit winter break feeling like they don't want to come back to school in January. Typically, they're reacting to the huge social, emotional, and academic upheaval that comes with the first semester of college--it's tough and they just want it to be over. But that feeling tends to fade as the year goes on and most of them find their groove in the second semester. So encourage him to stick it out and use that time to keep thinking about his options so he can make a decision he feels good about.