Find Out What You Can Do to Fix Your Sex Life

Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is that wonderful defi nition of insanity attributed to Albert Einstein. It often is what happens in the conjugal bed. What seemed exciting once upon a time now seems just plain dull. Some men may not be having sex with their wives because sex simply isn't worth the effort. They'd rather watch television. Their wives may feel the same way, not really missing mediocre sex, just missing that feeling of being desired.

Why does sex become predictable and boring?

This lack of newness, energy, and emotion translates for many men into a lack of adventure and sexual enjoyment on the part of their partners, transferring the problem and ignoring the fact that they're not bringing any originality to bed, either. What they are really feeling here is rejection, thinking, "My spouse lacks enthusiasm for, and is apathetic about—me! She doesn't care about me anymore. If she did, she would be more passionate!"

Why does married sex become predictable and boring? Dr. Helen Fisher, a research professor of anthropology at Rutgers University, divides love into three categories—lust, romantic love, and attachment—and considers these to be evolved drives associated with different brain chemicals. Lust inspires us to seek a range of partners.

Romantic love drives us, instead, to focus on a specifi c romantic partner. We often fall romantically in love with someone we perceive, perhaps subconsciously, to be a good provider and to father the type of children we want (if we are female), and likely to conceive and nurture the type of children we want (if we are male). In those exhilarating early days of romance, our beloved seems fascinating, irresistible, and red hot. These are the glory days long- term married couples wistfully remember—the "honeymoon" stage (that sometimes doesn't even last until the honeymoon) when desire for each other was a constant, rather than a sometime, thing. Most couples made love every day, some multiple times a day; at any rate, when two people fall into lust that leads to love, the brain chemicals necessary to best ensure propagation of the species are distributed in just the right amounts to make them want to make love all the time. However, Dr. Fisher believes that "it is not adaptive to be intensely romantically in love for twenty years....[And] we would all die of sexual exhaustion." In a good relationship, brain chemicals shift and attachment emerges.

This is the sense of calm and peace, a Sunday kind of love that is the foundation of a stable, long- term partnership, enabling the pair to raise their offspring. It trumps lust, at least most of the time. Ironically, hormones that allow attachment to thrive (oxytocin and vasopressin) suppress lust and romantic love. It would appear to be a catch-22—great marriage, or great sex.

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