Five Tips to Recession Proof Your Relationship

February 15, 2009— -- Kit Yarrow, a consumer psychologist and professor of psychology and business at Golden Gate University in San Francisco, offers these five tips to help couples recession-proof their relationships.

Expand Meaning of Wealth

Tip 1: Expand your definition of "wealth" and "security" to include all of your riches -- good health, hobbies, pets, friendships and, most importantly, your spouse and family.Couples have to realize what's really important to them, thinking about all the riches in their life besides money. If people are conscious of this and show appreciation of the other person in their relationship, and other members of their family, it takes away some of sting of what they have to give up when financial circumstances limit them. We all have the problem of often thinking about losses instead of our riches, or the things that make us feel wealthy besides money. And the bottom line is that relationships are much more enriching than money. Would you ever trade your spouse for a job? Not likely. But that's what couples are doing when they let financial problems ruin a relationship.

Consider New Roles

Tip 2: Flexibility in the face of change is the best defense. Uncover the secret psychological expectations you have about what a "husband" or "wife" should be and consider expanding those concepts to meet new economic realities.Couples have to address that a recession or financial crisis may force them into new roles. While the husband may have always considered himself to be the breadwinner, when he loses his job, it can be difficult to readjust to a new roles. So you have to be as flexible as possible in considering new roles in the relationship, and the new meaning of being a husband or a spouse in an relationship altered by the recession. That means discussing what expectations you have on what it means to be a husband or wife, and how you expect to care for the family and to be cared for by your spouse. And there may be different ways for you to be a "masculine man" or a "generous wife" than in your previous roles when the economy wasn't effecting your relationship.

Create a Routine

Tip 3: In times of uncertainty, it helps to create as much predictability in you life as you can -- scheduling the good (and the uncomfortable) does just that. Set up weekly budget meetings that include not only talking about finances, but also the best ways to handle anxiety, feelings and your marriage. Also schedule weekly meetings of a more romantic nature to keep the emotional aspects of your relationship strong.While one spouse may shrink away during tough financial times, and say that they just want the other spouse to back off, one thing you can do to confront that is to create predictability by trying to formalize lines of communication. Say "I want to help you, I want to talk to you" so they know you're available, and try to schedule a regular time to talk, even if for just 15 minutes every Friday. You have to tell them in a compassionate way -- "It would help me so much, since I know you're going through so much, and I would feel so much better if I feel like I can help you." But also make it very task-oriented -- every week have a session to see the state of your finances, but also the state of your emotional health. So it's "How much money do we have? How's the job search going? How do you and I feel?" Lay this idea of meetings out for your spouse, and then take a step back because nagging doesn't help. When the spouse feels ready, they'll come back to you and hopefully open up. On the emotional front, don't misinterpret a decreased libido. When people feel anxious, their libido tends to go. That can cause a chasm in a marriage, and leaves so much room for misinterpretation. A spouse has to know that it's not them, but that stress and anxiety are libido killers. Scheduling time to be together can help keep a relationship from growing apart.