You know your love song is in trouble when the lyrics are dangerous and even the beat is haunting. Valentine's is a good day for QT (quality time), but it's not such a good day for stalking — even if it sounds poetic coming from Sting.
OK, you could argue that songwriter and frontman Sting may be a little needy until you hear:
Now, this officially has crossed over into "Unsolved Mysteries" territory. We've all seen this episode. It doesn't end well. Hint: It's criminal.
If your cutie is whispering these not-so sweet lyrics into your ear, you may want to ask for some space, preferably with a restraining order. Sure, he or she could mean well. But do you really want to take that chance?
Meatloaf SAYS he'd do anything for love, but then he specifies that "I won't do that." So, what you're really saying is that you won't do anything for love.
Your love has prerequisites and conditions. Not only does that not sound promising, it probably will have the both of you sitting on a therapist's couch.
You: "You said you'd do anything." (sobbing)
Him/Her: "Yeah, but you know, I wasn't being literal and I sure as heck didn't mean that."
Therapist: "Hmm ... maybe it's best you go your separate ways."
Meatloaf tells you what he would do using lyrics written by Jim Steinman.
And it sounds great until you recognize what's most frustrating about Meatloaf's lyrics is that he never specifies what "that" is. Is it being a vegan, or visiting your mother? Perhaps it's going to mass every Sunday or making your relationship exclusive. You'll never know.
The No. 1 reason why this is a bad love song is that no long-lasting couple would ever use this trailer park serenade as "their song." The fact that Kid Rock was able to write a song with a successful mix of country and pop musical influences doesn't override the fact he put your picture away because he's feeling guilty.
Living my life in a slow hell
Different girl every night at the hotel
I ain't seen the sun shine in three damn days
Been fuelin' up on cocaine and whiskey
Wish I had a good girl to miss me
But I wonder if I'll ever change my ways
I put your picture away
And — to make things worse — he's on drugs. Just ask Amy Winehouse if you want to know how this story ends. Besides, just because Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow agree that they want to reconcile at the tune's end doesn't mean they should.
They did put each other's pictures away, which in those days was like having your cell phone number deleted. It's over.
Needy, clingy and power ballad don't even begin to describe Celine Dion's mega hit "My Heart Will Go On." The wedding and prom night staple is perfect for interpretive dance, but less than perfect if you're trying to express your undying love.