Doctor's Advice on Overcoming Infidelity
A psychologist answers questions about saving a marriage after a partner cheats.
— -- Psychologist and author Dr. Keith Ablow believes infidelity does not have to be the end to a marriage. Although infidelity is painful, Ablow said that the couple can use the opportunity to recreate their marriage. Below is some of Ablow's advice.
One woman wrote that she caught her husband sending intimate text messages to another woman. He denied that there was a physical relationship, but she cannot get past the memory of the texts. She asked Ablow if she should believe what he said.
Answer: No, it is not believable. It's going to be hard to get the text out of your mind, until you understand that you already have the truth in hand. You need to assume that your husband was physically intimate with his "text message friend" and tell him that you aren't looking for him to confirm or deny it anymore. Then do all the things you would do to rescue the marriage, if that is in your heart to do.
I guess I'd be tempted to tell your spouse that being cheated on is one thing, but the fact that he thinks you're an idiot is another. Tell him you'll never bring up the affair again, if he stops insisting there never was one (physically). And tell him that another condition is that he tells you what kind of night with you would make him feel like sending a passionate text message your way.
One "GMA" viewer asked how she can get past the anger after being cheated on.
Answer: I think the anger and hurt are totally understandable. Share those feelings with your husband. Tell him the real fears his wandering has sparked in you -- maybe about whether you're attractive to him, about whether he will remain in your life, etc., etc. Try to help him understand that whatever he has been withholding in terms of truth about his feelings in the relationship could be turned into a path to re-energize the relationship.
Also, I think it helps to get past the anger and hurt if you realize that people generally elevate sex to mythical status, thinking it is the highest form of intimacy. It isn't. Ask your husband whether he would have wanted you or his former (I hope) lover to take him to a doctor's appointment where he would be learning whether or not he has prostate cancer. Then ask him whether hurting you was actually worth feeling good sexually, for as long as it lasted.
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