Transcript for Stephen Colbert Offers Tips for 'Re-Becoming the Greatness'
We're here to celebrate your new book. "America again: We becoming the greatness we never weren't." Quite a title. Thank you very much. It's trying to capture what america needs right now. America's perfect and it's time to fix it. And we eat well, too. America's got the best food. We have in front of us an oreo and a ho-ho. It epitomizes --ou're a brave man to bite that. I think that's just a prop. It is plastic. It's plastic. This epitomizes all corn-based. But all of the american major food groups. It is excellent. Frosting, cream and snack cake. If you just fry it. And it's a great source of fiber. So, I'm going to get to the book in a second. Oh, boy. We have this big debate coming up. Everything changes tomorrow night. All other news stories up to tonight -- you were not chosen to modera moderate. What would you ask if you were? I would make them, like, first of all -- I would make them shoot rock, paper, scissors, who gets the first question. That's fair. I would ask them, you know, if they wore boxers or briefs. I will try that one. I would go for the big questions like that. I'm not much of a news guy, george. Now, jim laird tomorrow night. The most boring man in news. He'll take offense to that. No, he won't. He is proudly the most boring man in news. He says he's going to make sure they mix it up. He's going to bring it? He is going to bring it. What should mitt romney do? He has his back against the wall. I think he should just lash out randomly at barack obama. Maybe physically get up in his face. Get up in his grille. Right now, obama is the top dog. He is on top right now. And also on top, jon stewart, he's going to be here on thursday, debating bill o'reilly on saturday. You know both men well. Who is going to win? Jon stewart will eat bill o'reilly's liver with fava beans. And relish. And a nice chianti. Tell us about the book. You say right now the entertainmindustry is not doing its part to fix the economy. By saying -- by portraying america as the greatest country it can be. It's one of the greatest exports we have in the united states, is our entertainment industry. We need more movies spread around the world that declare america's greatness at all times. We'll work on that. You have everybody over there working hard on it. They have the 3d glasses. The book is in 3d. It's very importantly in 3d. It actually is. After "avengers" came out in 3d and had a $250 million opening weekend, I realized that 2d books aren't good anymore. Looks like the pages are just turning straight at you. Get that little cam with it, too. That's not how 3d works. Thank you for trying. I tried. I appreciate it. Those are great glasses. You all look like speed racer. Thank you. I want to thank you for bringing the big sodas now. In new york, it's a little tougher to get these. Mayor bloomberg, you think he's un-american. Yeah. Americans have, as I said, the greatest food in the world. And one of the greatest foods are our corn-based sodas. You know, you are what you eat. We are corn-based soda. And mayor bloomberg, by outlawing drinks more than 16 ounces, I think is doing something very un-american. You drink a 20-ounce coke in new york and you will be legally tasered. You will feel good while you're doing it. Let's put you on the "hot seat," since you know so much about america. Who is the sexiest woman in america? Elizabeth vargas. There you go. Unless my wife is watching. Okay. I'm afraid that's the next one. Who is the sexiest man in america? George stephanopoulos. You know why? Lovely rug you're wearing. It really is. Don't pull it. And if you could rename america, what would you call it? America-plus. The most american thing about america? The most american thing about america? Our greatness. Our exceptional greatness. Which is a result of american exceptionalism, which, of course, comes from how great we are. That's a direct quote from newt gingrich. Thing you would change about america? Fewer states. Why? Same amount of land. We need two dakotas? That seems like a waste. In this tough economy, we've got to cut back. That's the loophole that romney's going to close in his budget. He's going to lose one of the virginias and one of the dakotas. Who needs two carolinas. We proved that by kicking a li'l ass in the civil war. Did we not? I have no idea what that means. I want to go on record that says I think the confederacy is wrong. I'm going to take a brave stance and say I'm against slavery. Finally, who is the most american american? You're looking at him, george. I am america. You are america.
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