Transcript for Checking Out
I think I disconnected emotionally in order to. Not. Get depressed every day and not feel like I was watching my husband. Losing his life. It just became. A daily ritual. It is really hard to take care of someone when they're ill. And give it everything get nothing in return it because you're not speak. Of course you don't expect anything in return that you're not getting anything in return and people you build up a little bit of resentment. I did and I think it's really common that. You become a little resentful and no one wants to admit that and I think just being honest about it doesn't mean I loved in last doesn't mean they wouldn't have done it. Again or differently or anything it's just. The way Iowa. -- -- -- -- To go from thinking that your husband is not Anderson you to your husband's life -- -- the days are numbered. The tumor was in the front left lobe of his brain which is. From what I've learned is your emotions your personality. Your decision making your rationale. All that your motivation everything that is your personality is in the front part of your brain. From the time he got diagnosed the Chinese passed away was five months. After the surgery the first month was actually pretty. Her a couple of months so where he was pretty. We're driving home from the doctor one -- and he asked me -- -- sad. And -- him knowing he knew it happened was happening and I just I'm just really sad that you're not gonna be here. And he said -- I'm okay he said I need to be out there says you're the one that. I feel bad for you you're the one that can be stuck here you're gonna be all -- So that makes me sad. There was a lot to process to process. The idea that all that was -- ahead. That it's my husband's dying. That he does remember every day that he's dying he didn't realize that I'm taking care of them. And I don't know about most people but I think anyone that it's been a caregiver to -- -- -- Being treated for an illness further on steroids and are on different mood. Altering. Medications it's not about you it's just about them not not. To their fault they're not doing it on purpose but. It's it's his -- difficult time. I never said he wanted to die. He didn't want. He wasn't connected enough with his emotions. To be able to say he wanted to. I know if and when he -- in hospice. He would he did not want to be there he did not want people having to take care of him like that one of the reasons I really felt strongly about. Writing a story telling my story was. After he passed away at. Had a couple of people contact me that their friend was going through something. Very similar one in particular where her husband was terminally ill. He wasn't himself anymore wasn't brain cancer but it was cancer and she just remember she's just -- remember telling me that she's just. Could barely get through -- you don't know when the end is the end could be three days and could be three years really. There isn't there was no. Designated number of days that this is -- -- on the -- I became very desperate feeling and people would often. -- -- say were praying for a miracle -- were hoping something happens you know. The miracle would be if he can just. Go peacefully. And not have to -- -- This daily. Existence of not it was not -- good quality of life at the end my last words to him. Hopefully. He heard them was just thanking him. For being part of my life. For being -- -- life. -- he made our heat turned us into a --
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