Transcript for Conan O'Brien Compares Correspondents' Dinner to 'School Cafeteria'
Thank you please remain seated that's not necessary. Thank you very much please Mr. President don't stand that wouldn't be rights. Good evening thank you Mr. President mrs. Obama. Distinguished members of the press and Bon Jovi. Yes. It's an honor to share this stage of the president. We think about it the president and I are a lot of light. We both went to Harvard we both have two children and we both told Joseph Biden we didn't have extra tickets for tonight's event. We also have something else in common like the president I too recently -- in some hot water by talking about a public officials good looks. It was the time I wouldn't shut up about that stone cold spots secretary of transportation Ray LaHood McMahon. I like the -- is yet but President Obama. There's nobody had some great jokes it was a pleasure watching you stand up here and do an ideal. So now it's only fair that I get to do what you do. That's right ladies and gentlemen for the next fifteen minutes -- be mired in -- -- dysfunctional standoff with congress this is going to be -- Now right away I'd like to formally congratulate the president on his reelection congratulations. As you well know. The president is hard at work creating jobs. Since he was first elected not -- number of -- has doubled. And the number of tonight show host has tripled. Congratulations. And while I'm -- that like to congratulate president George W. Bush on this week's dedication of his presidential library. Yes the library has millions of books articles and documents. And if you go what you can be the first to read them. You can't let me. -- -- -- and let's get going right here at the start I'm -- share something with you people and this doesn't leave this room. I see this with absolute confidence because we're on C span. -- he's been seriously -- -- an entire channel shot with the backup camera on a Ford Explorer. Congratulations to C stand for winning the bit to broadcast this event. They narrowly beat out HGTV HUQVC. South America. The hotel how to check -- channel. That's right they Hilton it's great to be here at the Hilton. It's just me or is it time to stop using Priceline to book this event. Why would they help I really loved -- Hilton's motto sorry the Radisson was booked. You know I was worried that because of the sequester we -- be forced to hold this event any less prestigious hotel -- DC Helton. -- I was told -- not possible. But I do want to thank they -- for a comedy. -- they were kind enough to reschedule a cash for gold seminar. For those of you here for the cash for gold seminar that's been moved to salon be on the mezzanine. And it Joseph Biden asks is there are no extra tickets for that either. Quick announcements before we really get going before we continue if any -- -- -- live tweeting this event please use the hash tag. Incapable of living in the moment. Also to any US senators here tonight if you'd like to switch Steve eagar dessert -- your position on gay marriage please signal a waiter. By the way speaking of dinner tonight -- -- were -- a -- and filet mignon. Or -- CNN's John King reported -- lasagna and couscous. There's a gavel here and I don't know lines. Here's a fun fact about tonight's route everything -- -- this evening was personally shot. By Wayne Lapierre. Don't worry was during a home invasion now. The fish came into the window. There wasn't pepper corn that was -- shot ladies and gentlemen. Incidentally you may not know this but Wayne Lapierre is merely the executive vice president of the NR. Which begs the question how -- -- crazy do you have to be to be the actual president. The NRA. Yeah. Also like to acknowledge that earlier this evening there was some confusion with the seating chart. For a moment some someone accidentally -- governor Chris Christie with the Republicans that was awkward and I apologize. Very awkward. But speaking of tables before dinner. I had a chance to -- you probably something that worked the crowd -- and hands and sold -- Twitter account to Al-Jazeera for 500 million dollars. Don't buy anything. Up up up up. But it is an absolute joy to be here at the white house correspondents' dinner. Last year Tom Brokaw criticize. This event for having too many superstars and A list celebrities. When I told Tom I would be attending this year he said that's more like it. That shouldn't be -- -- But this is really a star studded event this year -- taking it to new heights to gradually new heights. Because you've got some of the guys from -- dynasty here. Dot dynasty. The guys from duck dynasty -- here which can only mean one thing the guys from storage -- said now. No I love -- dynasty don't get me wrong but guys I've really don't think your Streisand whistles -- -- -- -- -- -- It's incredible. I always hated that one. There was some of you know this is my second time speaking at this event. And was last -- eighteen years ago back in 1995. A lot's changed since then today you can get real time information on world events from something small enough to fit in the palm of your hand. Back in 95. -- -- that George Stephanopoulos. I can't see -- -- easier if there's a crew time in the way. It's amazing to think. How much our country's changed in eighteen years think about it. If in 1995 you told me that he 2013. We'd have an African American president. With the middle name Hussein. Who was just reelected to a second term in a sluggish economy. I would have said well he must've run against Mitt Romney. By the way no offense Mr. President I do congratulate you on your victory. But as a late night comedian. I was -- pulling for the rich guy whose horse danced in the Olympics. The demographics of this country have been rapidly changing over the past two decades and I look forward to hosting this event. Eighteen years from now. Then my opening line will. When it's not just a -- -- whatever about it is this and I don't. What is an honest and -- contract. -- -- -- I don't know -- But my prior experience has taught me how these dinners work. If the president last everyone laps. And the Fox News table laughs a little girl just fell -- -- -- I don't -- In Washington news media here tonight including the stars of online journalism might see the Huffington Post as a table yeah. Which has me wondering if you're here who's covering Miley Cyrus is latest nip -- Who's assembling today's top 25 yogurt related -- Seven mistakes your making Whitney can. That's a real one and you should be ashamed of yourself. For dinner I try to say a quick hello to Ariana Huffington. But she may be watched a 32. At first. Yes a lot of online stars are in the room but unfortunately Matt. -- couldn't make it it. Yeah he had a prior commitment to teach a web design class in 1997. Of course the Washington print media has also joining us this evening. -- print media are here for two very good reasons food and shelter. You know. How are you. Some people say print media is dying but I don't believe get. And neither does my blacks met. -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- rough year for Newsweek which after eighty years published its last spring issue yeah. Time they get time magazine might be gloating but they really shouldn't because time will outlive Newsweek the -- Juliette outlived Romeo. Read the play it's very Smart. Things are so tough for all the media that is a true story Reuters. Reuters is having -- after party right here at the Hilton. There's nothing says we're having a great -- like having your after party at the same table where you just pat -- With that in mind Reuters is asking everyone here to -- a little -- at the bottom of their glass. And to be fair print media still has a big star in Bob Woodward okay. Gotta give it up for Bob Woodward yeah. -- earlier this evening a waiter asked mr. Woodward if he wanted regular or decaf and he said stop threatening me. Also tonight through the big names in television news. The television news we have a divided media landscape. -- Fox News is watched by conservatives. And SE is watched by liberals. And CNN has watched by the people who clean the offices at CNN. -- gets worse. CNN's ratings are so low now with a -- comes -- James Earl Jones says. You're watching CNN. I have to say the passing years CNN has made some very odd -- for example they replaced the popular Larry King. With one of the -- -- from Downton Abbey. -- slides right into that show an old -- them. You'll get chills dog. Expect to see my old friends and MSNBC MSNBC's Chris Matthews is here. Chris Matthews has the only show where the commercial exists just so they can wipe the -- all -- -- By the way during the Boston coverage on MSNBC last week Chuck Todd stopped -- -- from speculating on unverified information. That is no joke here and just letting people at CNN know that you can do that. This is a learning experience. A lot of Fox News star Bill O'Reilly bills become quite the author he said two recent best sellers killing Kennedy and killing Lincoln. He also wrote a book that was not nearly as popular that natural peaceful death of tax. Were you thinking. The truth is Bill O'Reilly this is true is now working on his next book due out this fall this time it's about the killing of Jesus. It will be the first time in history jesus' death is blamed on Obama care. Two quick shout out to PBS and NPR. PBS yes TV -- Those PBS people loved to party guy to -- get lucky tonight BC where it -- back. It works. He got -- -- NPR and. -- -- -- NBC news in the house floor they've had a -- Soledad on The Today Show let go of Ann -- After being told Ann Curry said let me get this straight Al Roker tells the world -- -- -- -- the White House and I'm getting tired. Al good reason -- -- more -- at the White House they're still hosing it down. Brian Williams is here Brian I'm a big fan of your show Rock Center with Brian Williams. If you haven't seen it imagine this is great imagine -- delivering the evening news. On a different floor of the building. A little later with a slightly different -- it some mind blower you gotta check it out. President looked around the room -- -- the -- here tonight -- realize this is all just one big high school cafeteria. Until it is. Think about -- the jobs. MSNBC figures. Bloggers are the cops. NPR is the table for kids with peanut allergies. Al-Jazeera has the weird foreign exchange student nobody talks -- you. And print media I didn't forget. You what you're the poor kid who died sophomore year in a car -- -- -- we dedicate the yearbook to you. Of course probably the biggest story to people assume cover this -- she was the Republican failure to recapture the White House. Hard to believe the Republicans didn't fare better in the election with the support of celebrities like Ted Nugent and meatloaf. I guess they overestimated the number of voters who still drive carpet advance. For the Republican Party is on the man. And one rising star on the right it's senator Marco Rubio. -- -- he's known in the Republican Party our black guy. By the way as of today the US senate has a record number of African American senators to. Two. In other words there are now more African Americans in the senate that in a Mumford and sons concert. Thank you younger people Paul Ryan. You don't understand. What -- -- -- Paul Ryan recently. He really -- through last year when he ran for vice president after the election Ryan said President Obama was reelected because the high turnout of urban voters. Then when he was asked just -- he -- his -- Ryan said no milk no sugar just urban. -- Well there's RNC chairman -- -- this. You heard me correctly his name is -- -- this. Tonight he's sitting right between his brother's -- -- read this and repeat -- House majority leader Eric Cantor is here. Whereas I like to refer to him yet another Jewish Republican from the south. Get sold. -- reminds me also joining us is a congressman from New York named Steve Israel that's right he's from new York. And his name is Israel. Others pandering and then there's pandering. That's like having a -- from South Carolina named Jesus H -- -- -- -- -- -- -- It's been spent. I mention Republican governor Chris Christie earlier Governor Christie and Shaquille O'Neal are sitting at the same dinner table. So what's given up -- the real unsung hero tonight barely waiter. That -- and I Cyrix. Gonna lose an arm. Actually we have one -- two Supreme Court justices of the Supreme Court seems divided over same sex marriage. The liberal justice favorite. -- -- conservatives oppose any lifelong sacred union between two men. Unless of course it's Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas. -- know was that. It's no surprise that speaker John Boehner is in here tonight speaker Boehner and President Obama are still struggling to get along. President Obama and John Boehner kind of like a blind date between Anderson Cooper and Rachel -- out. In theory. They understand each other's positions big deep down. You know nothing's ever going to happen. Speaking nothing happening. We're all hoping of course that nothing happens with North Korea. And that got me wondering what is with Kim Jong Hoon. Now in the past we've had really scary enemies like Saddam Hussein and Hitler. Now suddenly our nemesis is a -- teenage boy who dresses like Rosie O'Donnell at the and it's. Q -- doesn't understand that we aren't afraid of him. But that -- doesn't get is that we already have an unstable peninsula that will ultimately bring down America. It's called fla. Yesterday's. Yes present Obama has a lot on his plate right now he's not that very nice stage. Where there are no more secrets left to come out about we all know that his child he lived in Indonesia. He studied at a Muslim seminary and occasionally a -- So clearly from the beginning he was a kid who had his eyes set on the US presidency. Check check and check. -- -- -- Nine other relationship between the president and the press can seem a bit strained at times. Some in this room have even accused the president of being distant and aloof. When I asked the president about it earlier he said no. And then walked away. Of course it's only natural that Mr. President your reelection was a little less exciting the first time around 2008 on election night 2008 -- celebrated with hundreds of -- of people in Chicago's grant park it was fascinating. This time around he's but it charred -- with David Axelrod at the Wiener circle. It just didn't have the same but -- And by the way I have a question. And I think some of you also have this question. It's been several months since you -- -- answer. So I'm curious why are you still sending everyone five emails a day asking for more money. You want. -- a gambling problem we don't know what. Did you put -- ending saga. You did didn't you. Present Obama has already need a lot of changes in his second term care -- recently appointed John Kerry and -- cable. Very Smart move your -- the only two people United States who looked even more tired -- you. It's a great strategy. Mr. President you don't leave -- is a very young man and yet the presidency has taken its sole. I don't model army served that you're starting to look like -- judge -- law -- order. Just say you're on thin ice -- you can have that part right away seriously Mr. President your -- -- so white it could be a member of your cabinet. He can handle it. Speaking -- the cabinet the president recently picked his new Treasury Secretary Jack Lew. He's -- graduated note that the president ever has let him go he'll get to say it's not blue it's me. But according -- the most about the president is that he's always the coolest guy in the room. That's what everyone says he's the coolest guy in the -- are right it is my question who else is in that room. It's not hard to get who won -- the other guys in the rumor Biden Cagle and Kerry. I'd be cool to look I was stuck in a room -- Tom Vilsack is -- -- issue. How to -- the Harlem -- Now admits he jokes about the present this evening. And I'm looking forward to my audit. It's coming I -- -- error it's coming. But I would like to take a moment here and change gears and say something to the president regarding defense the past two weeks. Some of you may not know this I grew up in Boston. My parents still live there and my brother Luke raised his Stanley in Watertown. And I'd like to take this opportunity bank. You Mr. President. For visiting. That great city and helping its people begin to heal with the inspiring -- -- -- you. It's been said recently that you don't mess with Boston. As someone who grew up there I'd like to echo that sentiment. It's really pretty simple if -- -- pick on -- city don't choose one where nine out of ten people are related to a cop. Don't do it it's stupid. -- that includes myself. I have one more thing to mention before I go everyone success with Washington these days you also went crazy for house -- Homeland. Of course this event tonight Hollywood can't get enough of your world well tonight I'm excited to announce that turner broadcasting. Is gonna make a major television miniseries about the big power players here in Washington. -- just -- the casting and haven't liked to announce who. He's going to play through this day. Vice presidential fight. Is going to be played by Bob Barker. Former White House advisor David Axelrod. We'll be played by Higgins from Magnum PI. This is also produced by Steven Spielberg by the way representative Paul Ryan. We'll be played by mr. -- Senator Chuck Schumer. Will be played by grandpa Munster. We spent senator Harry Reid -- played by. The old man from the American -- me. Fox News CEO Roger -- will be played by boss hog waste time. And the DL. Speaker the house John Boehner will be played by -- mom. Secretary of home. -- security Janet Napolitano will be played by. Paul Giamatti. Former White House chief of staff in Chicago mayor rob. Annual. Will be played vice do we from the Family Guy. Secretary of state John Kerry will be played by. An Easter Island head. I cannot tell those two apart. Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts will be played by. Bud Light years. Senator Mitch McConnell. Will be played by a dame -- CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer will be played by -- Kirby. NRA executive vice president Wayne Lapierre will be played by. The face mountain guide from Raiders of the Lost -- And finally white house Press Secretary Jay Carney will be played by. Ralphie from a Christmas card. -- -- -- --
This transcript has been automatically generated and may not be 100% accurate.