Your Questions Answered About Aging and Alzheimer's Care

Caregiving experts answer viewers' questions on how to deal with Alzheimer's.

ByABC News
July 2, 2009, 12:53 PM

July 2, 2009 -- As many as 5.3 million Americans are living with Alzheimer's disease, and 50 million people are attempting to care for their elderly parents in various states of health.

Caregiving experts P.K. Beville and Virginia Morris will answer your questions about caring for aging parents and how to deal with parents who have Alzheimer's or dementia.

Beville is a geriatric specialist, creator and author of the "Virtual Dementia Tour." Click here to visit her Web site, www.secondwind.org.
Morris is the author of the best-selling book "How to Care for Aging Parent."

B. GILBERT, Idaho Falls, Idaho: I am a 63-year-old divorced woman with no children and no living relatives. How do I find someone who will look out for me should I get Alzheimer's or end up in a nursing home?

MORRIS: Don't despair. Things will work out, but you do need to plan. Most important, get a lawyer and sign a durable power of attorney (which gives a person -- in your case, a trusted friend -- the legal authority to act on your behalf should you become unable to so do) and a power of attorney for health care (someone who will make medical decisions for you). Then, talk to this friend, or friends, about how you want your care, your finances and other issues handled. Talk in some depth about your wishes, your fears, your goals. But chose carefully, as you are giving someone a lot of power.

You should also explore the options and services in your community. For example, are there any Continuing Care Retirement Communities, which offer a full spectrum of care (typically you enter them while you are still independent and healthy? While the idea might sound frightening, most people are glad to have a community of friends and the peace of mind of knowing they will be cared for. However, they tend to be expensive. Learn about other housing options and home-health services as well, so you can make some choices in advance, should the need arise.

GREER B., Cumming, Ga.: My father-in-law has been living with us since his wife died four and a half years ago...he is 89 now. He doesn't want to do anything so we don't make him. I argue with my husband that he should take him out to do things but he won't. We have to make him shower and shave, he never gets dressed, he will only step outside to pick up his newspaper if we throw it outside his door. My husband takes him to the grocery store every 2 to 3 weeks and that is all he does. I've sent him to a senior center near our old home but they called and said he didn't socialize at all. He seems content doing nothing. Do I just let him? He has a pacemaker but otherwise in perfect health. He fixes his own breakfast and lunch and I do dinner for him so he'll come upstairs and be around me. What to do?

MORRIS: Ask his doctor about depression, which is common -- and commonly ignored -- in the elderly. Don't accept "He's old, what do you expect?" because depression is a disease, and it is not 'normal' at any age. If you are told that, take him elsewhere for treatment. Continue sending home to the senior center, as getting out and being around others is a good habit. Consider other things he might enjoy -- audio books, hobbies, stuffing envelopes for a local non-profit, a pet of some sort. Perhaps a student who needs to do some community service work might do something with him a few afternoons each week. Get your father-in-law to do some small errands or chores for you. And he should get some exercise, even if it's just walking to the store or around the block. Look out for yourself and your marriage. Do things the two of you enjoy, time when you are not discussing your father-in-law.

ANNA, Ontario, Calif.: I'm 41 years old, married and have a 17 and 12 year old sons. My father was just diagnosed this month with early stage dementia, but has been showing some signs for about 2 years prior. My father will be 77 yrs. old but only takes less than 5 medications a day with only arthritis and BPH to date in his medical history, until now. Physically he can still manage to travel out of the country every 6 months and most of the 6 months here in the states are spent with me in my home. I have been changed by all of this and my only mission now is to preserve my father's and also my mother's dignity and that the rest of their lives are spent a happy one. I'm torn because i feel my sons and my husband are not only continuing to live their lives as they please, spending less of their time at home and when home they show little regard to provide any socialization to my parents. It seems as though only pressure from me to them is when they make some effort. Although my sons are teenagers and my husband and I have work or sporting activities etc. I feel this is a small sacrifice from us to give to these two wonderful people who have done nothing but LOVE us all. I feel that after having so many heart to heart discussions about how I feel to my husband and sons and crying, begging for them to do this now while they still have time, not just in our home but while they are still alive, I feel as though my plea for support has gone unnoticed or unimportant above their own personal day to day needs and wants. This time is temporary no matter what and I resent my family very much because they can't see that. Why can't we put our lives on hold, but only for a moment? I need to understand this because I don't think my marriage will survive this battle against my "mission" Please help me!! Thank you.

MORRIS: First, kudos to you for loving your parents so deeply and for wanting to care for them. However -- big however -- you can't expect others to share your devotion or your mission. Resenting them will not only hurt them and you -- perhaps irreparably -- but it will hurt your parents. Surely they would be devastated if their care broke up your marriage or distanced you from your sons. You need to accept that your husband and your sons are never going to feel as you do, no matter how hard you push. It's not that they are uncaring or insensitive; surely if you were sick and needed care, they would be on a 'mission.' But these aren't their parents, and they aren't you.

Have a meeting with your husband and sons to discuss the situation. Explain your feelings and then listen -- really listen! -- to theirs. Together, establish some reasonable tasks -- dinner a few times a week together, a couple of chores, that sort of thing. And then let it go.

Finally, take a deep breath. You love your parents. You are sad to seem them age. You don't want to lose them. You want to give them a good life. All good. But this is likely to be a long, and increasingly demanding, job. Don't burn yourself out; you're only on the first lap. While your husband and sons might need to give a little more, perhaps you need to take a lesson from them too. Love your parents, but back off a little. Have a life, see your friends, take time out. I promise, you will be a better caregiver to your parents if you take care of yourself, your marriage and your relationship with your boys.