Seven free-agent résumés

It can be a tough job market out there, especially if you have trouble hitting the curve. That's why job seekers must be certain to have a résumé that is complete, persuasive and, of course, entirely professional.

Ballplayers aren't exempt. Just take a look at the following resumes we've come across this winter …

Robinson Cano


(To the beat of Jay Z's "Empire State of Mind.")

Yeah, I was up in New York,
Right next to Jeter
But now Imma free agent
May be right in your infield
Cuz I'll be 2B forever,
I'm the new Raj Hornsby
And since I made it there,
I can make it anywhere,
Long as you pay me my share

(Let's hear it for $310 million, million, million …)


For years I kept Yankees hot
Even made up for that A-Rod snot
Now sign me and watch me whip the Yankees, man
Sh--, I can make your cap more famous than New Era can
For instance, I could bleed Dodger Blue
Wear "LA" right above my bill
But I aint sayin' I will
Not less Magic pays me $310 mil

(Let's hear it for $310 million, million, million …)


Advanced stats so blinding,
Managers need binders
Just to write a lineup
Free agency is lined with casualties,
Guys put up huge OPS, then overnight become worse,
Don't bite that apple, Jed
Get caught up in the WAR mob
Soon you'll lose your job
Winter is cold when you finish 30 games under .500
Good GMs gone tomorrow, unemployment lines filled with them
Jesus Montero won't save you, life starts when the game ends
But Robbie Cano, don't 'cha know
I will keep turn you into a champion,
My bat never sleeps, better stock up on champagne


In New York
Concrete jungle where Cano made dreams true
There's nothing he can't do
Next year won't necessarily be in New York
His signing will make your team brand new
His game will inspire you
Let's hear it for Robinson Ca-no, Ca-no, Ca-no

Carlos Beltran


Seven-time All-Star, six-time MVP candidate, three time Gold Glove winner and 1999 American League Rookie of the Year. I have somehow hit 16 -- yes, 16! -- postseason home runs despite playing the bulk of my career with the Royals, Astros and Mets.


• Outfielder, St. Louis Cardinals, 2012-13
Led the Cardinals to the 2013 World Series by hitting two home runs and driving in 12 runs in the National League playoffs. And I would have lifted them to the world championship, too, if only the damn Fenway Park fences were the proper height!

• Outfielder, San Francisco Giants, 2011
Hit .323 with seven home runs in just 44 games. Why couldn't Buster Posey have been healthy that season?

• Outfielder, New York Mets, 2005-11
Averaged 34 home runs and 113 RBIs from 2006-08. So don't blame me for the Mets' collapses those seasons.

  • 1
  • |
  • 2
  • |
  • 3
Join the Discussion
blog comments powered by Disqus
You Might Also Like...