Seven free-agent résumés

• Jim Leyland, former manager Detroit Tigers
• Tony La Russa, former manager St. Louis Cardinals
• Victoria Plummer, executive VP of operations, Extended Stay America hotel chain


Brian Wilson


QUALIFICATIONS

Three-time All-Star closer (2008, 2010, 2011), Cy Young award finalist and Most Valuable Player vote-getter (2010). Two-time Beard of the Year Award winner, Men's Style magazine (2010, 2011). Four-time ZZ Top look-alike finalist (2009-2011, 2013). More than 641,000 followers on Twitter.

EXPERIENCE

• Reliever, Los Angeles Dodgers, 2013
Had 0.66 ERA and 0.88 WHIP to help Dodgers to NLCS. Runner-up (to Mike Napoli) for Mr. October Facial Hair.

• Closer, San Francisco Giants, 2006-2012
Led National League in saves with 48 and closed out final game of World Series to seal San Francisco's first world championship. Saved six postseason games overall (2010). Although on disabled list and left off postseason roster, led team in pregame interviews and dugout TV shots during World Series (2012).

• Reliever, Augusta Green Jackets, 2005
Went 5-1 with 0.82 ERA. Sneaked onto Augusta National Golf Club after one game and shot an 82.

EDUCATION

Louisiana State University, 2001-03
Majored in hair design with minor in cosmetology.

REFERENCES

• Bruce Bochy, manager, San Francisco Giants
• Dave Righetti, pitching coach, San Francisco Giants
• Charlie Sheen, pitcher, 1989-90 Cleveland Indians, 1919 Chicago White Sox


Grant Balfour

QUALIFICATIONS

I am one the game's best @#$-ing closers! @#$%, now that Mariano @#$-ing Rivera is retired, I am the game's best @#$ing closer!

EXPERIENCE

• Closer, Oakland Athletics, 2011-13
Saved 38 mother-@#$%-ing games, made @#$%-ing All-Star team and shoved it up the *#$@% of those @#$%-ing Tigers in the division @#$%-ing series.

• Reliever, Tampa Bay Rays, 2007-10
Had a @#$%-ing 1.54 @#$%-ing ERA in 2008 and we would have won the @#$%-ing World Series if Joe @#$%-ing Maddon had the sense to make me the @#$-ing closer!

• Reliever, Milwaukee Brewers, 2007
@#$&, yeah. My @#$%-ing ERA was 20.25. But @#$&! My @#$%-ing elbow and my @#$%-ing shoulder still hurt like a mother-@#$%!

• Reliever, Cincinnati Reds, 2005-06

Spent both @#$%-ing seasons on the DL because of @#$%-ing surgery on my @#$%-ing elobw and @#$%-ing shoulder!

• Reliever, Minnesota Twins, 2001-04
Went @#$%-ing 4-1 for the @#$%-ing Twins before my @#$%-ing arm started hurting like a mother-@#$%.

EDUCATION

Glenwood School, Glenwood, Australia
My @#$%-ing GPA would have been higher but I spent a lot of @#$%-ing time in @#$%-ing detention because I couldn't keep my @#$%-ing mouth shut.

WHY YOU SHOULD HIRE ME

@#%*! Do you want to @#$%-ing win or not?


Kickstarter: Erik Bedard


Erik Bedard is a 10-year major league starting pitcher looking for sponsors to help him get his career on track. Bedard is 34 years old with a 4.00-plus ERA and a losing record with four teams in the past three seasons, but he is also left-handed and once finished fifth in the Cy Young voting.

Pledge $1 million or more

You will get Erik on your 2014 spring training roster.

Pledge $2 million or more

You will get Erik on your 2014 Opening Day roster. He also will pitch at least 10 games and 85 innings for your team next season.

Pledge $5 million or more

Erik will pitch at least 15 games and 120 innings for your team the next two seasons. Not each season. Combined.

Pledge $10 million or more

Erik will pitch at least 24 games and 160 innings for your team over the next three seasons. Or maybe not. But if not, you still will have room in the rotation for other starters when he is on the 60-day disabled list.

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