NEWPORT BEACH, Calif. -- If Auburn wins the national title Monday night, I swear I'm going to eat my fist. I'm going to weep softly. I'm going to go to Columbus, Ohio, and termite-tent Urban Meyer's house with him zipped inside. After all, he and his Ohio State team let Auburn into this game in the first place.
I need undefeated Florida State to win Monday. I need it like I need circulating blood. If Auburn wins and gives the SEC its eighth straight national championship I'm going to dress backwards and take up the flugelhorn.
Before you start yelling, I know. This is a reason-free column. It's leaking emotion from the bilge. It's journalistically wrong. I know.
I just don't care.
I can't take another year of the bragging, the self-slobbering and the chest-thumping. And that's just from Condoleezza Rice. SEC people are the acknowledged GOATs -- Gloatingest Of All Time. If they make it eight in a row, they will be as insufferable as Russell Brand.
Oh, no? Here's what Auburn fullback Jay Prosch told me Thursday: "The competition in the SEC is way beyond any other conference in the country … SEC players are smarter, faster and stronger." Smarter? Really? Smarter than a conference that has Stanford, UCLA and Cal? Bet me a first-year Google salary on that?
And I'm not even sure about "stronger and faster" after watching Oklahoma smash Alabama Thursday night in the Sugar Bowl 45-31. OU looked stronger and faster and OU coach Bob Stoops looked smarter, especially after pointing out once again how overhyped the SEC is before the game. He's now 3-1 versus Nick Saban at Alabama. Lately, the emperor has no close.
Time is wasting. The window is only open for a half a second here, people. Saban just signed another deal at Alabama, Florida will surely bounce back quickly, and even Ole Miss is getting good.
No, this is it. It's now or never. Florida State is a 9-point favorite, has about two dozen guys who can play Sundays and has the Heisman Trophy winner in QB Jameis Winston. If the streak doesn't end now, we could be stuck with these people until they SECede.
A man can hope, can't he?
Remember, starting next season with the new four-team playoff system, the SEC will get four cracks at it. Knowing their blind luck, they'll put three in.
You don't think the SEC is lucky? Explain how they got Texas A&M just as Johnny Manziel starts playing like Archie Manning. Explain how they shoehorned Auburn into this title game, a human lotto ticket that needed a billion-to-one catch (Georgia) and a 109-yard field goal return (Alabama) to get there.
If God isn't an SEC fan, he at least listens to Paul Finebaum.
And it's not just me. "It'd be nice [to end it]," FSU nose guard Timmy Jernigan said Thursday. "I get kind of sick of hearing about it."
I'm more than sick. I'm getting a facial tic here. My own company, ESPN, which has never had a one-conference station before, is launching the SEC Network next year, starring no less than Tim Tebow.
I'm not saying the SEC isn't the best conference. It is. And I'm not saying they didn't deserve six of those seven straight titles (Utah in 2008). It's just the whole behold-the-glory-of-us way its fans, coaches and players have.