All This Assumes Satan Is At Least 35 Years of Age and Was Born in the United States: Last week Jerry Falwell said fundamentalists would work harder to defeat a Hillary Clinton presidential candidacy than if Lucifer were running for president. On an exclusive basis, TMQ has obtained this transcript of a recent K Street meeting between Satan and his campaign consultant.
CONSULTANT: Let's go over these focus-group results. First there's the name thing. Voters like casual -- Bill Clinton, Bob Dole. "Satan" sounds kind of stiff and formal. Do you have a first name?
SATAN: I have many names. Abaddon, Ahriman, Apollyon, Asmodeus, Azazel...
CONSULTANT: Gotta be informal.
SATAN: My friends call me Steve.
CONSULTANT: Steve Satan. That's great, sounds like the guy next door. Now let's be honest, you have negatives. For example, you want everyone to suffer horribly for all eternity. How am I supposed to sell that to voters?
SATAN: We've made a lot of changes in hell -- now we're customer-conscious. If you're willing to sell your soul, we pledge to have the demon there with the contract that day or your first month in hell is pain-free. Plus we've got a mission statement and a philosophy of Total Quality Torment.
CONSULTANT: Now your position on the issues. Iraq war?
SATAN: Strongly in favor.
CONSULTANT: Universal health care insurance?
SATAN: Strongly opposed.
SATAN: Let 'em die in the desert.
CONSULTANT: United Nations?
SATAN: Don't mention that I run it.
CONSULTANT: Education reform?
SATAN: Everyone should learn Latin. I hate it when people come to hell and don't even speak our language.
CONSULTANT: The television coach will be here in a minute to work with you. We need to eliminate the hissing.
SATAN: Sorry. I do that when I'm nervous. Guess I shouldn't have quit smoking!
CONSULTANT: Fund-raising is going well. I hope you don't object to taking money from Persian Gulf oil sheiks.
SATAN: Of course not. But do you have any qualms about working for me?
CONSULTANT: Qualms! I'm a political consultant.
Matt Millen Incompetence Update: Keep your eye on speed receiver David Kircus of Denver, who had two nice catches against New England. Kircus spent his first three seasons at Detroit but barely got on the field for the Lions. Detroit was obsessed with its multiple first-round, big-school receivers and ignored this low-drafted gent from Grand Valley State. Don't be surprised if Kircus turns out better than wide receivers the Lions have recently blown high first-round choices on.