Frustrated With Online Dating? Answers to Your Questions

Aug. 4, 2005 — -- Are there more men or women online at dating sites? How do you break the ice when e-mailing someone new? Match.com's dating expert Dawn Yanek responds to a selection of your questions in this online Q+A.

Debi in Buffalo, New York, asks: Why won't they answer you when you send a wink or an icebreaker? I've tried to start up conversations and they don't seem to want to reply or even take the time to say "no thanks." Any suggestions?

Dawn Yanek: First of all, hang in there! Dating can be difficult online or offline, but there is someone out there who is perfect for you, and that makes all the trials and tribulations worthwhile. Keep that pep talk in mind whenever you feel discouraged — as well as the fact that the person who isn't winking back at you probably isn't The One. But, you ask, what if he is The One and he just doesn't know it yet? Well, if your first impression isn't packing the punch it should, you need to alter your approaches in your icebreaker and your profile.

Let's start with the icebreaker. A general "hi" might make someone smile and then move on. But a unique and specific opening line can fan the flames of interest. Try this exercise: List your top three interests and see which of them mesh with your potential match's. For example, maybe you both love the Yankees, chocolate Labs or plain ol' chocolate. Now, tailor your icebreaker to reflect that, and inject a little playfulness and humor. (After all, dating is supposed to be fun … even if you have to remind yourself of that fact sometimes.) This technique also shows that you've taken the time to read the person's profile and aren't just cut-and-pasting the same introductory e-mail to 20 people you found attractive. It does quite the opposite, in fact -- it says that you like this person for very specific reasons and want to get to know him better.

Next, apply this type of specificity to your profile. You're a "nice girl looking for a guy who you can have fun with"? Yeah, well, who isn't?! Celebrate all that is wonderful about you with a lively, chock-full-of-personality profile, illustrated with photos that capture you living and loving life, and you will find someone who will want to join in on the fun.

Rinea in Syracuse, New York, asks: I have been talking with this guy (e-mail, IM and phone) for three weeks now. How long should I wait to meet the person on the other end?

Dawn Yanek: There is no hard-and-fast rule about when to transition from online flirtation to offline dating. If you like each other, have learned some key information (age, interests, values, general relationship history, e-mail and phone compatibility) and feel as comfortable as possible without having met, go for it. The great thing about online dating is that you can get to know someone, set your own pace and forget so many of the games people play when they meet offline, such as when to call for the first time. After all, you've already been having a relationship of sorts.

But there is another level to your question, and I suspect it's why you're hesitant about meeting your online Romeo: You need to listen to your heart, but you also need listen to your gut. It may not sound quite as romantic, but it's often a lot more accurate. After all, the pitter-patter of your heart can drown out some nagging concerns — namely, those about whether or not you trust this person. A few key questions to ask yourself are: Is this person answering my direct questions, or is he being evasive? Is his personal information inconsistent or vague? Is he pressuring me to meet him or reveal personal information before I'm ready? Has he expressed frustration or anger in a way that seems strange? Did he say he was a Ph.D. but his grammar is abominable? These are just some of the things that can set off warning bells in your head -- and you should listen to them. If your concerns persist upon direct examination and questioning, trust yourself, cut bait and fish for someone who's worthy of your companionship.

Eide in Biloxi asks: What is the ratio of men versus women with online dating?

Dawn Yanek: It's hard to believe, but the first online-dating site, Match.com, launched only 10 years ago. And over the past decade, the Internet has really changed the way that people connect and communicate with one another. In fact, studies reveal that 12 percent of marriages are actually hatched online, and that's one of the reasons so many men and women think of online dating as a great resource. Of Match.com's 15 million members around the world, 59 percent are men and 41 percent are women, and other dating sites have similar demographic splits. You should also know that approximately 60,000 new people register on Match every day! Now, I'm not all that great at math, but I can tell you that that's a lot of new people for you to meet, greet and fall in love with. So even if your dream date isn't online today, he or she may be there tomorrow.

Rod in Los Angeles asks: Is it OK to leave things out of your profile that you don't want her to know?

Dawn Yanek: You've piqued my curiosity, Rod, and not in a good way! Of course, my first question to you is: So, what are you hiding? And that's the reaction you want to avoid with potential dates -- online or offline -- because people (especially women) immediately think the worst. Without a doubt, it's best to be honest, and while you should present yourself in a favorable light, you should never outright lie.

That said, there's a time and a place for everything. Don't treat your online profile as a confessional. Save that for your therapist or your diary. Think about it: You wouldn't go into your hang-ups, the down-and-dirty details of your last relationship or your issues with your mother with someone you've just met at a bar, so why would you do that online? Remember, no one's perfect, and everyone has a skeleton or two in their closet waiting to make a potentially frightening debut, but these are things that can be discussed once you feel comfortable and can see yourself taking things to the next level with this person. Broaching a sensitive topic once trust has been earned and interest has been cultivated is a very different thing than dragging out said skeleton on the first encounter.