FUNNIES: 'I Love This Country'

A roundup of the late-night comics.

The Tonight Show

Jay Leno: What a crowd. You sound like a bunch of National Guard troops who just found out they're going to San Diego instead of Baghdad. Yeah.

Late Late Show

Craig Ferguson: Happy belated birthday, America -- 230 years young. You look great, America. You put on a couple of states, but it suits you.

The Tonight Show

Leno: Hey, Kev.

Kevin Eubanks What's up, Jay?

Leno: What's the difference between al Zarqawi and Patrick Kennedy?

Eubanks I don't know, what's that?

Leno: Patrick Kennedy will get bombed again. That's about the only difference.

Late Late Show

Ferguson: Our beloved president, George W. Bush, turns 60 today. Ah, so happy birthday, happy birthday to-- Oh, come on, he's the president! Alright. Yes, he finally, you know, he blew out the candles on his cake today. So he's finally doing something about the global warming.

The Tonight Show

Leno: What is your question?

Audience member: My question is: Have you seen that movie with Al Gore about global warming and what you thought about it.

Leno: See yeah, you probably show it to your students -- ah, the "Inconvenient Truth," very well done. But, you know there was one scene where I think Al was being a little petty -- you know, where he kind of got off topic. Here, take a look.

Fake voiceover to "An Inconvenient Truth": The scientific consensus is that we are causing global warming. If the Arctic were to melt, this is what would happen to Florida. Many of the people who screwed me out of the election are under water.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Jimmy Kimmel: Work has begun on another of the president's pet projects. The National Guard is already at work building that wall between the U.S. and Mexico. And look who they got to help them do it.

[start clip from CNN]

Interviewer: You crossed into this country illegally.

Man: I did.

Interviewer: And now you're helping to build that fence.

Man: I can't believe that. [laughs] I can't believe that I'm now I'm putting a fence where I just cross. It's crazy, but I love this country.

[end clip from CNN]

Kimmel: There you go.

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