Colbert: Over 7,000 presidential appointments are up for grabs. The Obama administration is making history once again by being the only place in america that is currently hiring.
Colbert: (video of Harry Reid announcing) The vast majority of the democratic caucus wants to keep Senator Lieberman as chairman of the committee, member of the armed service committee and that was done. Its all over with. >> (Colbert) Its all over with. (laughter) Turns out having to hang out with Lindsey Graham was punishment enough.
Conan: Barack says he's taking his time picking out a dog for his daughters because he is looking for a pet that does not shed its hair.Which turns out is the exact same reason apparently he picked Joe Biden.
Stewart: (Sam on Roundtable): Its better to have them inside the tent peeing out than outside the tent peeing in. (Stewart picking up phone) Yeah, cancel this weekend's camping trip with Sam Donaldson.
Leno: You see, she pardoned a turkey at a turkey farm and right behind her in the same shot is a guy killing (laughter). But see, like most internet stories, a little half truth. Turns out after listening to Sarah Palin's voice, the turkey said, "uh, kill us now."