Funnies: Abramoff's Pockets and Trump's Presidential Plans

Jan. 8, 2005 — --

Leno: Well, that's the big scandal in Washington. This lobbyist, Jack Abramoff, who has close ties to a lot of Republicans. … In fact, when they booked him they had to empty his pockets. Tom DeLay fell out. That's how bad.

Letterman: Donald Trump as president of the United States. I can't wait for the Washington Monument to go condo.

Kimmel: The president had a press conference this morning and actually talked about his retirement.
Bush [at press conference]: It's unsustainable growth because a lot of people like me are getting ready to retire. My case, I turn 60 in 2008. That's a convenient date for me. Sixty-two in 2008. Sixty this year unfortunately.
Kimmel: Hey, listen: He can make a joke. He can do math. He just can't do both at once.

Stewart: Last month, the New York Times revealed that President Bush authorized the National Security Agency to monitor the international telephone calls and e-mails of hundreds of Americans without obtaining warrants. … But reporters wouldn't take "I'm not going to discuss this" for an answer.
Reporter [at Bush appearance]: What can you say to those members of the public that are worried about violations of their privacy?
Bush [on tape]: Ed, I can say that if somebody from al Qaeda's calling you, we'd like to know why.
Stewart: All right, you want to know why al Qaeda was calling me? I'll tell you why. We were planning a surprise party for you. And you ruined it! There! Are you happy now?