A roundup of the late-night comics.
Leno: Tom DeLay announced he is quitting Congress and giving up his seat. Well actually, actually, he's not giving up his seat, he's selling it to the highest bidder on eBay.
Conan O'Brien: Earlier today, Senate leaders announced that they had made a huge breakthrough in reforming immigration laws. They've reformed immigration laws, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Then the senators adjourned early so they could drop their illegal nannies off at the bus stop.
Jay Leno: Actually, they say this will be the first time Tom DeLay actually takes a vacation he pays for himself. That's never happened before.
Jon Stewart: McKinney wasted no time in holding a press conference to issue a defiant youa-culpa.
Rep. Cynthia McKinney, D-Ga. [at press conference]: This whole incident was instigated by the inappropriate touching and stopping of me, a female, black congresswoman.
Stewart: You-- I, I hear ya. I believe in-- I believe in judging people not by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character. And you seem bat (bleep) insane.
Steven Colbert: Tom DeLay announced his resignation from the House of Representatives. I know, I know: I'm going to miss him too. Another classy move from a classy guy. A man who stood tall, even as his staffers dropped like laundered nickels from an Indian casino slot machine.
Stewart: Tom "The Hammer" DeLay [is] stepping down from Congress. And why? Was it because of a money laundering charge stemming from a redistricting scheme he had engineered? Perhaps a rebuke from the House Ethics Committee for contributions in exchange for votes? Or perhaps it was his close ties to lobbyist and convicted felon Jack Abramoff? Or perhaps it was the time he beat up Fonzie and stole his hair?