A roundup of the late-night comics.
David Letterman: News out of Washington today: President Bush is denying that he's planning an air strike on Iran. So you know what that means? He's planning an air strike on Iran.
Jay Leno: Today, President Bush announced his new fitness plan to get people walking again. It's called gasoline at $3 a gallon.
Jimmy Kimmel: A sad thing happened today. I just got word in that the bird flu has wiped out an entire flock of marshmallow peeps.
Leno: Here's a huge story that's making news around the world -- the finding of what they believe to be the gospel according to Judas. Have you heard about this? Or as they call it at the White House, the Scooter Libby testimony.
Letterman: Did you hear what happened yesterday at the Washington Nationals game? Dick Cheney was down there and he threw out the first pitch and he was booed. He was booed. And Cheney said he was very surprised. He thought he'd be greeted as a liberator with flowers and candy.
Leno: Big, big story in The New York Times today: A total of first it was six, then a seventh one today, retired generals. Generals, big guys, have called for the resignation of Donald Rumsfeld. But not all the generals are against him. He still has the support of a lot of generals. … General Electric, General Dynamic, General Motors.… There are still some generals behind [him].
Conan O'Brien: Speaking of presidents, earlier this week former President Clinton was giving a speech in Washington, D.C., and someone in the crowd yelled out, 'We miss you.' Yeah, yeah. I should mention that Clinton was giving the speech in the champagne room at Crazy Girls.
Leno: This bill they were trying to pass, basically, this bill they're trying to come up with, would allow illegals who have been here more than two years to work towards becoming American citizens. Now how does this work? I mean, if your argument is that illegals do the work that Americans won't do, when they become Americans does that mean they won't want to do that work anymore, either? So we're back to where we started again -- the same problem.