FUNNIES: Porter Goss' Woes

May 7, 2006 — -- THE TONIGHT SHOW

Jay Leno: CIA Director Porter Goss did not resign. This morning they said he resigned, he did not resign. They now say he was fired and apparently didn't know it was coming ... which is pretty bad. When you're head of the CIA and you don't know what's coming.

LATE NIGHT

Conan O'Brien: Ted Kennedy's son, Congressman Patrick Kennedy crashed his car, but got out of a breathalyzer test by claiming he was on his way to the Capitol to vote. Yeah. Yeah, apparently Kennedy was going to vote on whether Miller Lite is less filling or tastes great.

THE TONIGHT SHOW

Jay Leno: Today Kennedy blamed his seemingly intoxicated state after the car crash on a sleeping medication, yeah. I believe it was called Jagermeister.

Leno: And Hillary Clinton spoke today, this is interesting. Hillary Clinton said, uh, that her childhood dream was to be an Olympic athlete, but she was not athletic enough. That's what she said. She said she wanted to be an astronaut, but at the time, they didn't take women. And she wanted to go into medicine, but hospitals made her woozy. Should she be telling people this story? I mean, she's basically saying she wants to be president cause she can't do anything else, you know. We already have that guy, we have that guy.

JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE

Jimmy Kimmel: Another politician getting an early jump on the holiday, Representative Patrick Kennedy of Rhode Island. Yesterday, at about 3 a.m. he crashed his car into a police barricade outside the Capitol and even though it was 3 a.m. in the morning, he told the police he was late for a congressional vote.

Jimmy Kimmel: He had a press conference today, Kennedy did to explain and to deny he was drinking alcohol. I am not really, I am not sure he helped himself much though.

(Shows Kennedy at his press conference wearing a beer-helmet)

Rep. Kennedy: The incident on Wednesday evening concerns me greatly. I simply do not remember getting out of bed, being pulled over by the police or being cited for three driving infractions.

Jimmy Kimmel: Well ...

THE COLBERT REPORT

Steven Colbert: I'm so embarrassed. Uh, something happened last night. I was down in Washington, D.C., love it down there, cannot get enough of that city. Anyway, I, uh, uh, I was out with my buddy Representative Patrick Kennedy of Rhode Island and we were driving home and, uh, I suggested we play a game of I-spy-a-concrete-barricade. And, um, well Patrick is a fierce competitor, and well, he won.