10 Things You Never Want to Hear from a Pilot

The sound of wind? That's what some passengers could have heard on a US Airways flight a couple of years ago after a pilot's gun accidentally discharged in-flight, blasting a hole through the fuselage.

The pilot was packing legally (as part of the Federal Flight Deck Officers program), but airlines take a dim view of holes in planes and fired him. He was later reinstated when the accidental shooting was blamed on a "flawed" holster, but was told, no more guns for you.

#6: "Please Move, We Need to Balance the Jet"

A new variation on "too fat to fly"? A cargo door on a Thomas Cook plane heading from Majorca to the U.K. last year was jammed, so all bags had to be loaded up front, making the aircraft "nose heavy." The pilot ordered passengers to move to the rear to "balance things out."

I've heard of this happening on small, private jets, but this aircraft held more than 180 people -- or it did until 71 of them left, fearing for their lives.

As one scared passenger put it, "We just wanted a plane that would stay level without us being used as ballast." The plane ultimately took off with no problems.

#7: "Uh-oh? are there Mounties in Minneapolis?"

That could have been what you heard from those two Northwest pilots who overshot their destination -- Minneapolis -- by over 150 miles last year (some say it was a lot closer to 200 miles).

Were they asleep? Of course not, they said indignantly. They were on their laptops. At least they weren't partying, which brings us to #8.

#8: "Yesh, I'm pilot, wassa matter?"

Last year, a United Airlines pilot was removed from the cockpit as he was about to depart Heathrow for Chicago and was eventually charged with having too much alcohol in his system. He pleaded guilty, received a suspended sentence and enrolled in a rehab program. (United, we were told, was keeping him on the job, as he "took responsibility for his actions")

Earlier, passengers in Moscow revolted when their Aeroflot pilot greeted them with bloodshot eyes and slurred words. Airline executives told the angry fliers the pilot hadn't been drinking, and that it was no big deal anyway because the aircraft "practically flew itself!" Not reassured, the passengers left the plane.

#9: "It's 'Volunteer Taxi Time' at JFK"

The place, New York. The airline, Delta. What the pilot said on this 7 p.m. flight to Salt Lake City last week was, "Due to the traffic problems here at JFK, they've instituted a volunteer taxi time program, and we've volunteered for the 8 p.m. spot."

Why not "volunteer" for an earlier spot? Not that it would have mattered; the pilot's 8 p.m. spot wound up being a lot closer to 9 p.m. Just once, I'd love to hear a pilot say, "We have no clue when we'll take off!"

#10: "Feel free to move about the cabin, but please stay in the plane. It's cold outside."

OK, this one probably isn't true.

Chances are that your next flight will have no such interesting announcements from the cockpit, so you've got nothing to worry about. However, if you start seeing people that look a lot like the cast of "Lost" boarding your plane, you might consider rescheduling...

This work is the opinion of the columnist and does not reflect the opinion of ABC News.

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